Life is slowly starting to return to normal after past events & I'm feeling a little more settled in myself.
I think if I get things written down it gets it out of my system & gives me the freedom to move on, if I don't get things out somewhere it just lingers, disabling me from so much.
Don't get me wrong I still have feelings of paranoia but I'm trying to be more rational with these thoughts. I don't want them to overtake my feelings & completely ruin everything. Not just my marriage but a good friendship too. It is hard but one that I'm willing to persevere with.
I've had a few tearful moments while I've been home alone, but maybe that's done me good. It's a long time since I cried & actually felt the emotion, so I'll call it a positive.
I've realised how much I've been taking for granted, especially where Jamie is concerned & how nasty a tongue I've had with him on more than several occasions. He's always done his best by me & deserves to be treated better than I have been doing. So with this in mind I'm trying to be a better person.
It's amazing really how much I've taken for granted over the years. You don't realise it til it's gone.
I remember as I was growing up my Mum always used to bring up a cup of tea to me in bed to wake me up in time for school. I didn't think too much of it til I went away to school at the age of 14. No more gentle wakings up with a warm cuppa. It was just a noisy school bell going off at 7.10am followed soon after by the house mistress coming in & turning the lights on to make sure we were all getting out of bed. It took a little getting used to but I soon got into the swing of it, but on return home for the holidays my Mum would go back to bringing me up a drink before she left for work.
I guess I take my Mum for granted too. I just think she'll always be around, to help me out of whatever mess I ended up in.
She's 81 this year, so is doing pretty well considering what she's been through in her lifetime. I am truly scared of the day she dies. I really don't know how I'll deal with it. I'm sure many of you have similar feelings, if you've not already been there.
There are times when I feel like I want to die before her so I won't have to deal with the pain, but then I have to think of my three children.... How would they feel if I did die before I'd been around for them to get to know me???
We've been apart for nine years now. I always thought, even though I wasn't with their Dad, I'd see them grow up. How wrong was I? Hopefully I'll see them soon but I don't bank on it. I'm the forever pessimist. I always think it's better that way then if something good happens it's a bonus!!
Again I've taken Jamie for granted, thinking he'll always be around to help & look after me but in the past few weeks I know how close I've come to losing him. It's also made realise how much I do love him.
I knew from the moment I met him I wanted him in my life forever but never thought it would happen so I was so so happy when he told me he had feelings for me & we got together properly. I never want to lose him over my stupidity.
Friendships too. I've taken them for granted but have again realised with how I react to certain situations that they can slip through my fingers.
I'm grateful to the friends I've had & have had some kind of crazy fall out with that they've forgiven me & are still there for me not matter what.
I truly am blessed to have Jamie, my Mum & all my true friends who at different stages of my life, have helped me pick up the pieces & start afresh.
I don't claim to have many friends, but the ones I do have I hold close to my heart. Each one of them bring a different quality into my life.
I think all of us take certain things for granted, it's only human nature, but boy do we know about it when it's taken away from us.
When this happens my barriers go up & it takes a fuck of a lot to break those barriers down. I need to learn though that everyone whom I allow into my life is there to help me & me putting my wall up doesn't help matters, if anything it's a hindrance. I need to be more open if I'm having a problem or two over different things. How can people help if I'm not talking & shutting myself away.
So I guess I'm learning not to take things for granted. No one is around forever so you should cherish every moment you spend with them.
I guess on that note I'll sign out for now. Thanks for reading xxx
