Since my last post I have looked up the so called medication I'm on. Some of it is used to treat bipolar, some for major depression & some for chronic depression with sedation. The tranquillizer is just a good old knock out drug & so the confusion continues...
I will be happy if there ever comes a time that I can be told why I'm taking such a concoction of these tablets.
It seems they're covering their backs with everything in the medication department, so that hopefully one of them is working to supposedly make me feel better.
Some of the side effects can actually cause things like mania, insomnia, anxiety & depression.
Why oh why am I putting my life in these peoples hands, who are there to help me feel better when they are possibly creating more problems for me.
Definitely time for an appointment to have my say on it all, instead of sitting back & going along with the so-called professionals.
As Gordon Ramsay would say... " Done "
Tuesday 16 March 2010
Mentalness & Medication
Well it has very much been a time of mainly ups. This time though I've gone with the flow & ended up enjoying every second. I can't remember the last time I felt so happy, although possibly slightly confused.
It all started the other week, or possibly before, I've lost track of time completely.
I could feel mania starting to kick in. I don't know how to explain it really. It's like getting high on drugs. I love the feeling of it, like an adrenaline rush, you can almost feel your blood pumping round you. But definitely a feeling I love.
Jamie was also feeling in high spirits, relieved to see me smiling, joking & laughing. Something that these four walls had lacked for a while.
I knew that first night awake was going to be one of many. In some ways I was dreading it, other ways almost excited. I've been needing my sleep a lot lately, so wasn't sure how I would cope with not having that much. But over the few weeks I have barely slept, just the odd hour here & there. Along with the not sleeping has come not really eating... I need to lose a few (well a lot of) pounds so haven't worried too much about that side of things. I've been drinking plenty, so know I'm going to be fine.
I found myself feeling interested in life again & actually wanting to be alive rather than in the depths of despair, wishing each day was over before it had even begun.I didn't want to sleep, scared that I'd miss something if I closed my eyes even for a short while. Obviously I did have to get some sleep along the way, but once awake again I was determined not to give into it again for as long as I could.
During this time I started to question things, mainly to do with my mental state. Probably not the healthiest of times to be doing this but it was a case of " no time like the present ".
Over the years I've been giving several different diagnoses... depression, anxiety, chronic depression, manic depression (Bipolar), & Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). So I decided to have a read & see what I could find out for myself.
I'd never really thought too much about the ins & outs of them all. I knew the basics but reading into them was a real eye-opener.I think my main reason for my curiosity is down to my psychiatrist being reluctant to give me a diagnosis. To a degree I can understand this as he's not been working with me that long & I have only had one visit from my cpc. Some people view it as wanting to be given a "label". But it's not that with me.
Everyday I pump my body with medication, two antidepressants,an anti-psychotic, a mood stabilizer & a tranquillizer. All of it seems a bit much when no-one is prepared to tell me why I need all this, so called, medication.
And so my journey began...
I spent as much time as I could reading up on bipolar & BPD, as I felt they were the ones I had less knowledge on. And this is where my dilemma began....
I have traits of both, but more swayed towards bipolar. I must have read at least twenty or so sites on both trying to determine which one was me. But the more I read the more convinced that I was bipolar. Also I'd had an admission (sectioned) into hospital in 2006, where the staff took their time to talk to me about things & they were also convinced that it was bipolar.
I look at it like this, the staff were with me 24/7 & monitored my behaviour.
On the other hand I saw my psychiatrist once a week for 10 minutes. So who could really make the more informed opinion? Having said that my psychiatrist at that time did say about the mania etc, but for some strange reason, my now psychiatrist said it hadn't been documented!!
Now I see my psychiatrist once every few months & my cpc every few weeks, so they don't know what's gone off during the time I've not been seen. It seems to be the case that I'm on a reasonable level when I am seen.
I think my best bet is to wait until those feelings come again... I don't always recognise them myself, but Jamie sure does, & see if I can see either my psychiatrist or cpc & then let them make a decision.
Hopefully then I'll get the " label " I don't really want, but at least I'll have a reason for taking medication I'm on for the rest of my life.
It all started the other week, or possibly before, I've lost track of time completely.
I could feel mania starting to kick in. I don't know how to explain it really. It's like getting high on drugs. I love the feeling of it, like an adrenaline rush, you can almost feel your blood pumping round you. But definitely a feeling I love.
Jamie was also feeling in high spirits, relieved to see me smiling, joking & laughing. Something that these four walls had lacked for a while.
I knew that first night awake was going to be one of many. In some ways I was dreading it, other ways almost excited. I've been needing my sleep a lot lately, so wasn't sure how I would cope with not having that much. But over the few weeks I have barely slept, just the odd hour here & there. Along with the not sleeping has come not really eating... I need to lose a few (well a lot of) pounds so haven't worried too much about that side of things. I've been drinking plenty, so know I'm going to be fine.
I found myself feeling interested in life again & actually wanting to be alive rather than in the depths of despair, wishing each day was over before it had even begun.I didn't want to sleep, scared that I'd miss something if I closed my eyes even for a short while. Obviously I did have to get some sleep along the way, but once awake again I was determined not to give into it again for as long as I could.
During this time I started to question things, mainly to do with my mental state. Probably not the healthiest of times to be doing this but it was a case of " no time like the present ".
Over the years I've been giving several different diagnoses... depression, anxiety, chronic depression, manic depression (Bipolar), & Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). So I decided to have a read & see what I could find out for myself.
I'd never really thought too much about the ins & outs of them all. I knew the basics but reading into them was a real eye-opener.I think my main reason for my curiosity is down to my psychiatrist being reluctant to give me a diagnosis. To a degree I can understand this as he's not been working with me that long & I have only had one visit from my cpc. Some people view it as wanting to be given a "label". But it's not that with me.
Everyday I pump my body with medication, two antidepressants,an anti-psychotic, a mood stabilizer & a tranquillizer. All of it seems a bit much when no-one is prepared to tell me why I need all this, so called, medication.
And so my journey began...
I spent as much time as I could reading up on bipolar & BPD, as I felt they were the ones I had less knowledge on. And this is where my dilemma began....
I have traits of both, but more swayed towards bipolar. I must have read at least twenty or so sites on both trying to determine which one was me. But the more I read the more convinced that I was bipolar. Also I'd had an admission (sectioned) into hospital in 2006, where the staff took their time to talk to me about things & they were also convinced that it was bipolar.
I look at it like this, the staff were with me 24/7 & monitored my behaviour.
On the other hand I saw my psychiatrist once a week for 10 minutes. So who could really make the more informed opinion? Having said that my psychiatrist at that time did say about the mania etc, but for some strange reason, my now psychiatrist said it hadn't been documented!!
Now I see my psychiatrist once every few months & my cpc every few weeks, so they don't know what's gone off during the time I've not been seen. It seems to be the case that I'm on a reasonable level when I am seen.
I think my best bet is to wait until those feelings come again... I don't always recognise them myself, but Jamie sure does, & see if I can see either my psychiatrist or cpc & then let them make a decision.
Hopefully then I'll get the " label " I don't really want, but at least I'll have a reason for taking medication I'm on for the rest of my life.
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