Jamie's Funeral Service

Funeral service of Jamie Hylton

The shock of losing Jamie is beyond words and can only be imagined how difficult this is for his loved ones, but because of who he was we celebrate his life in a way that is fitting for the person he is. Jamie was baptised as a child into the Church of England but today in keeping with what was felt would be his wishes today is not a traditional religious service but an opportunity to honour him publicly with memories of his character, through the music that was special to him and Lexi, and through private reflection. We will allow time during this service to honour him privately and to some that may be through silent prayer, and my own prayers will remain with your family at this time, and to others that will be in remembering their own personal relationship with Jamie. Our thoughts remain with Jamie’s loved ones as we remember Lexi, and Zac and Jordan and Liberty who had been looking forward to their plans to meet Jamie, and his mother Eunice, we honour the memory of his sister Sam, who’s birthday it would be today. We remember John and Sandy and his brother Stephen and sisters Alison and Debra and Adam and Jodie and Kelly with whom he was particularly close. Our thoughts remain with all, mentioned today or not.

K's reading

My friendship with Lexi has been a cornerstone in my life for over thirty years.

Although I had the very real privilege of knowing Jamie, it was sadly to be for

far less time; just the four years that he and Lexi have spent together

including as husband and wife. I believe that anyone who knew them both

during that time will agree with me that the love between them was

something very special to witness.

Lexi has asked me to read here today, from a piece she wrote herself, way

back in 1998. I hope you will understand and share its relevance today by the

time I am through.

Wants & Needs ~ by Lexi Hylton 1998

I want to feel loved, wanted & special.

I want to be held, kissed and touched as though I'm the only thing that's keeping the other person alive.
I want to be held at night when my nightmares start, by someone who I know loves me for me, and not for their own satisfaction.
Someone to wipe the tears away when life becomes unbearable and I just can't, can't go on.
Someone to talk to and understand, to hold my hand or put their arms around me, to believe in me.

I want someone to accept me for what I am and not judge me.

I need to feel fulfilled.

Please let me be me & let me be happy.
I need to see the sun rise in the morning & feel it's warmth upon my skin.
To feel the breeze gently blowing round me.
The rain to fall on my face and hide the tears that I so often shed.
I want to be able to give someone else the same as I want for myself.
I want to love & be loved.
Most of all I want to be free.
Free of the nightmares, the guilt, the shame, but most of all... me.

The reason this piece is so appropriate today is that for Lexi, Jamie answered all those dreams. For her, he truly was the answer to her prayers. Selfless, devoted, open, loving and a real friend. We all loved Jamie in our own ways, and he will be very sorely missed by many.

James Morrison ~ You Give Me Something

Eulogy

The Jamie we remember today was the sort of man who throughout his life had an ability to make you smile. He was the sort of son who was forever there for his mother and likewise with his mother in law in later years too. Lexi met him around 4 years ago in the January. Their friendship began as shared struggles but strangely enough it was those struggles that brought them together. They were friends for around 6 months before becoming more permanent. Lexi said that he was the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with from the first day they met. It was 2006 when they met and they were married in 2008

The Jamie Lexi met was so full of energy, frantic energy, so full of laughter and a man who was so open and honest with her. Jamie will be remembered from earlier time was a fitness fanatic, a walker and had just started jogging again, having earlier run in several marathons to raise money for the Sheffield Children’s hospital. The fitness thing was something that he put himself into so much and when he wasn’t, he was throwing himself into making other people happy. He was the sort of chap who would and could talk to anyone. In Bakewell where he lived he seemed to know everyone. So, known by so many, a fitting tribute is the fact that no one ever had a bad word about him.

Lexi said to me that the 4 years they had together were best of her life and the best of his despite all things. It was said that they were like a pair of children in love. There is a photo of the pair that K took of them in the garden, which now seems to have made it into the homes of so many. Jamie was what was called a ‘neat freak.’ His appearance was always just right and flawless, every piercing, every item of clothing the way the hair had to be.

The Jamie we honour today was one who would put pen to paper and write poetically, and in reading them would open a window into his soul and give an insight into his life, his passions and his struggles, some of which would fascinate his reader. He was a face book lover, and his wall is covered in an amazing amount of tributes to a clearly well loved man. Jamie was also quite a spiritual man and had was involved in Paganism.

As a man he was verbal as well as having an ability to write and express just who he was and where he was at. I asked what he did when he was at home, and was told how he would either be cleaning, writing, cooking, usually his favourite, spaghetti bolognaise, if not looking for someone to look after.

To tease out a word or sentence that sums up Jamie the most on such a sad day is no easy task, but I leave you with words such as big hearted, generous, and of course that smile.

Jamie’s passing has been such a shock and there are not words to make his loved ones feel any better at this time, but we honour today a man who laid aside his own troubles in pursuit of the needs of others. We wish him healing and rest reunited with Sam his beloved sister.

Afterglow

I’d like the memory of me to be a happy one

I’d like to leave an afterglow of smiles when life is done

I’d like to leave an echo whispering softly down the ways

Of happy times and laughing times and bright and sunny days

I’d like the tears of those who grieve, to dry before the sun,

Of happy memories that I leave when life is done.

Any donations given in memory of Jamie are to go to cancer research and there are refreshments at the Britannia after the service.

Committal- (curtain open)

As we come to the final chapter of Jamie’s earthly life, we are glad that he has lived, and to have experienced life with him. We cherish him words, his deeds and his smile. We wish him rest, we wish for him peace. Therefore let us proceed from this place glad to have been part of his story. Even in the sadness of death, we would say that life is precious and good.

When I come to the end of the road, and the sun has set for me I want no rites in a gloom filled room, why cry for a soul set free?

Miss me a little but not too long, and not with your head bowed low. Remember the love that we once shared. Miss me but let me go.

For this is a journey we all must take, and each must go alone. It’s all part of the master plan, a step on the road to home.

When you are lonely and sad of heart go to the friends we know, and bury your sorrows in doing good deeds. Miss me but let me go.

Snow Patrol ~ Chasing Cars

Memories ~ Part One

As I said in my previous post I was going to write about one of the most precious gifts you can have & that's good memories. No one can take them away from you & you can revisit them whenever you choose. I know I may get a little emotional as I write this but I want to share some of them with you.

It was a cold winters night & I'd gone over to Chesterfield to see a friend of mine who was in the psychiatric unit at the hospital. 

We sat on the ward for awhile just chatting & catching up with each other as it had been some time since we had last spoken. I suggested that rather than sitting on the ward that we went to the hospital cafe for a coffee. From that moment on my life changed...

We were just starting to walk down the stairs as another bloke was walking up. He spoke to my friend Steve & in an instant I knew I had to meet him properly. He stirred something inside me that I'd not felt before.

The whole time me & Steve were in the cafe I was bombarding him with questions about the bloke that Steve called Dobo. He was pretty vague about stuff but I said he needed to get this Dobo to meet me.

Eventually we strolled back up to the ward & I left, promising Steve I would ring when I got home so he knew I'd arrived safely but also asking him to see if he could convince this guy to meet me.

As promised I rang Steve & asked him if he'd managed to talk to Dobo, but he told me he'd not as something had gone off on one of the wards & it had been busy with extra patients coming onto the ward he was on. He said he would do his best to see what he could sort out.I'm not the most patient of people & was texting him every five minutes to see how he was getting on. Sadly he wasn't doing a very good job & I thought all was a lost cause but sent him one last text that said plain & simply "Get it sorted x". I waited another five minutes & decided to ring him before going to bed.

Obviously the question was on my lips... had he managed to do anything. He once again said no but whilst I was ranting at him down the phone on how you couldn't rely on a bloke to do anything this Dobo guy came & sat down in the alcove near Steve. Steve not knowing what to say just briefly explained about me & showed him the text that said Get it sorted. Thankfully Dobo told Steve to give me his number & we'd take it from there.

I felt like a teenager with their first crush. I nervously texted not knowing what to expect but I just had a good feeling about it. This Dobo turned out to be Jamie & it was the beginning of something truly magical.

We finally got to meet on the Friday evening. I spent all day feeling worked up & nervous hoping I'd make a good impression. Got myself showered & changed & set off for Chesterfield.

When I got onto the war the staff went & got Steve for me & his girlfriend was there too & then Jamie joined us several minutes later. He was even better close up. So the four of us sat & chatted for awhile then Jamie suggested me &  him went to the cafe for a coffee. I felt so nervous about it.... I was hoping I would still be able to talk to him, as believe it or not I am quite shy, & that we wouldn't have too many awkward silences. I had absolutely nothing to worry about. I know when I get talking I can take some shutting up but I'd met my match with Jamie. We sat with our drinks whilst he told me all about his past. Things hadn't been easy for him & I thought it was lovely how he opened up to me, telling me things that weren't that easy for him. I admired him for it. And so the attraction grew. Actually I knew then I wanted to be part of his life & that I'd already fallen for him. I didn't say anything as I didn't want to scare him or put him off. Heavy stuff for a first meeting.

After finishing our drinks we strolled back to the ward & had another bit of a chat with Steve, then it was time for me to leave. 

Jamie, being the gentleman he was, offered to walk me down to my car, an offer I didn't refuse so off we went still talking like mad as if we had to fit it all into that one evening.... Then it happened....

We reached my car & I unlocked it then turned round so I could say goodbye to him & he kissed me. It was one amazing kiss. I never wanted it to end. We eventually broke apart & I was at a loss at what to say & can't remember what I did say, other than I'd see him the next day & I drove home with the biggest of smiles upon my face.

That first meeting will stay with me forever. No one can erase it & I will always remember it as if it were yesterday.

I went to visit him most days & each time we had something fresh & new to talk about. I could never tire of his stories. But we decided to keep things just as friends. Jamie was in a weird relationship & I wasn't quite ready to make a commitment to anything. But we always shared a kiss before I left.

Thing was I was on a bit of a high when all this was happening & with every high there comes a low & I hit a bad one, ending up being sectioned & on the ward next to Jamie's.

To start with I wasn't allowed to see him for any length of time but he was able to go fetch my cigs for me & I trusted him to draw money out of my bank account at the cash machine within the hospital, as I was allowed off the ward. Sometimes the staff would let him come down to the smoke room so we could have a bit of a natter. But cos I couldn't see him when I wanted to the days dragged.

Eventually I was allowed onto the landing that separated our wards & we would sit out there planning all sorts of crazy stuff, or playing cards. 

Normally I'd have hated being on the unit but knowing Jamie wasn't far away made it easier.

Winter turned to spring, a time when things start to blossom & grow as did our friendship.

Over the months I had dropped little hints to Jamie that I fancied him but he chose to ignore them & we just carried on our friendship as it was, but I was content with that. At least I still had him in my life & that was what counted.

I was happy with the world, a feeling I'd not experienced in a long time, but it was Jamie who had put back that spring in my step & a smile on my face that all my friends commented on & were happy to see me like this.

It was the beginning of something so special that when I get chance I shall carry on writing.

Hope you've enjoyed it so far & look forward to what is to follow.

xxx

Taken For Granted

Well here I am once more. What I'm going to put here is as much your guess as it is mine. I just I'd start typing & see where it takes me.

Life is slowly starting to return to normal after past events & I'm feeling a little more settled in myself.

I think if I get things written down it gets it out of my system & gives me the freedom to move on, if I don't get things out somewhere it just lingers, disabling me from so much.

Don't get me wrong I still have feelings of paranoia but I'm trying to be more rational with these thoughts. I don't want them to overtake my feelings & completely ruin everything. Not just my marriage but a good friendship too. It is hard but one that I'm willing to persevere with.

I've had a few tearful moments while I've been home alone, but maybe that's done me good. It's a long time since I cried & actually felt the emotion, so I'll call it a positive.

I've realised how much I've been taking for granted, especially where Jamie is concerned & how nasty a tongue I've had with him on more than several occasions. He's always done his best by me & deserves to be treated better than I have been doing. So with this in mind I'm trying to be a better person.

It's amazing really how much I've taken for granted over the years. You don't realise it til it's gone.

I remember as I was growing up my Mum always used to bring up a cup of tea to me in bed to wake me up in time for school. I didn't think too much of it til I went away to school at the age of 14. No more gentle wakings up with a warm cuppa. It was just a noisy school bell going off at 7.10am followed soon after by the house mistress coming in & turning the lights on to make sure we were all getting out of bed. It took a little getting used to but I soon got into the swing of it, but on return home for the holidays my Mum would go back to bringing me up a drink before she left for work.

I guess I take my Mum for granted too. I just think she'll always be around, to help me out of whatever mess I ended up in.

She's 81 this year, so is doing pretty well considering what she's been through in her lifetime. I am truly scared of the day she dies. I really don't know how I'll deal with it. I'm sure many of you have similar feelings, if you've not already been there.

There are times when I feel like I want to die before her so I won't have to deal with the pain, but then I have to think of my three children.... How would they feel if I did die before I'd been around for them to get to know me???

We've been apart for nine years now. I always thought, even though I wasn't with their Dad, I'd see them grow up. How wrong was I? Hopefully I'll see them soon but I don't bank on it. I'm the forever pessimist. I always think it's better that way then if something good happens it's a bonus!!

Again I've taken Jamie for granted, thinking he'll always be around to help & look after me but in the past few weeks I know how close I've come to losing him. It's also made realise how much I do love him.

I knew from the moment I met him I wanted him in my life forever but never thought it would happen so I was so so happy when he told me he had feelings for me & we got together properly. I never want to lose him over my stupidity.

Friendships too. I've taken them for granted but have again realised with how I react to certain situations that they can slip through my fingers.

I'm grateful to the friends I've had & have had some kind of crazy fall out with that they've forgiven me & are still there for me not matter what.

I truly am blessed to have Jamie, my Mum & all my true friends who at different stages of my life, have helped me pick up the pieces & start afresh.

I don't claim to have many friends, but the ones I do have I hold close to my heart. Each one of them bring a different quality into my life.

I think all of us take certain things for granted, it's only human nature, but boy do we know about it when it's taken away from us.

When this happens my barriers go up & it takes a fuck of a lot to break those barriers down. I need to learn though that everyone whom I allow into my life is there to help me & me putting my wall up doesn't help matters, if anything it's a hindrance. I need to be more open if I'm having a problem or two over different things. How can people help if I'm not talking & shutting myself away.

So I guess I'm learning not to take things for granted. No one is around forever so you should cherish every moment you spend with them.

I guess on that note I'll sign out for now. Thanks for reading xxx

Positive Mental Attitude!

This last week has been a good one for me & I'm starting to feel more positive about things.

I usually feel very anxious about meeting new people but my new friend Mollie had very kindly arranged to get one of tyres fixed & arranged to call round Thursday to pick it up.

I'd been up all Wednesday night & felt exhausted, but no matter how hard I tried to settle I just couldn't drop off. However by about 4.30pm I could feel myself starting to want to drop off. Mollie was due at around 5.20pm & had said she was more than happy just to meet Jamie outside if I was needing to sleep & also understood about my insecurities & nervousness of meeting new people.

Jamie was more than happy to meet her & leave me to sleep but I was determined to stay awake just so I could go outside to meet her for myself. I know I would have felt really jealous (in a good way) if Jamie had got to meet her & I hadn't. So I got my determined head on & fought off the urge to sleep.

When she rang to say she was here I felt nervous & excited at the same time. A lot of the nervousness was to do with the fact I was going to be going outside at a reasonably busy time. Usually when I do venture out it's in the early hours or later on as it starts to go dark. I hate the way I look & don't want people seeing me. But I needed to meet Mollie to give her a hug & thank her for being my friend.

As soon as we saw each other a big smile appeared on my face & she came towards me & gave me one helluva hug. I knew then she was someone I hope that will be in my life for a very long time. I'm not good at meeting new people but it felt like I was meeting up with an old friend that I'd not seen for years.

We, Jamie, myself & Mollie, stood outside talking for awhile. Just chatting about things from our past. It really touched me when she said she could see us being friends for a long time to come & I really hope this is the case. I'm looking forward to the day when I'm back to my normality & start doing fun things with her, walking, talking & just generally laughing about things again.

Also my friend DK is looking forward to when I can cope with the outside world as he is also looking forward to taking me to different places. I feel really happy to be blessed with two such wonderful friends.

After having several nights of not sleeping I was relieved that Thursday night I had a peaceful & restful night. I did struggle to wake up but I must have needed the rest.

Friday was a relatively quiet day until Jamie's mum turned up. I think the world of her but god can she talk. She'd actually said she wasn't coming over but changed her mind & turned up at about 5pm. Jamie had asked her if she would give him a lift to collect my medication from the chemist, which is only about 10 minutes drive away but at this point we couldn't drive our car.

Once again Mollie came to the rescue & said she'd pick them up & bring them round on Saturday when she came to drop off the tyre. I can't get over how kind & thoughtful she is.

So Friday night we went to bed but I couldn't settle but felt relieved to hear it raining outside. I was hoping it would freshen Saturday up. I'm not going to complain about the glorious sunshine we've been having but for me it has been too hot.

Saturday dawned & it was Jamie's birthday. I'd managed to sort out a card for him but not a present. He knows how difficult it is for me to get out but I wished I'd thought to go online & find something for him. He was more than happy with the card but I have promised when I feel I can get out I'll treat him to something then.

We lazed in bed for a bit, but as Mollie was calling round I wanted to make sure I'd bathed & washed my hair. Also I was determined to get dressed, I usually like to slob about in my pyjamas, but I wanted to try & look half decent for Mollie, not that she's one to judge.

So once nice & clean I put some trousers on along with a new top that Jamie had bought for me. I felt better already. Mollie arrived at about 12.30pm & it was fantastic she had time to come in & again we talked about different things, slowly getting to know more things about each other. Even without that I feel we have a connection & understand each other without words having to be spoken.

Again being in her presence I felt calm & felt I could just be me without having to put my usual barriers up.

She stayed for a good couple of hours & although I know I'll see her again soon & understand that she has things to do, I felt sad that it was time for her to leave.

The rest of the day was spent with Jamie & myself talking about all sorts. I love our times of doing this. There's always something new that we manage to find to talk about. Not bad going as we've been together four years & it's rare we have any major time apart. I find it unusual in comparison to other relationships I've had. I soon bore but there's something about Jamie that I could never tire of. Not only am I blessed with my wonderful friends but also a loving, kind, thoughtful & caring husband. I really do feel lucky that I have love in my life.

Talking of having love in your life, I applied to get a penpal on death row & had a reply Friday night to say that I'd been accepted & was given the address of who & where to write to.

I feel I'm doing a positive thing. Many of them who are on death row have committed the most terrible of crimes, but the fact they are just sitting there with nothing to look forward to I wanted to write & hopefully give them something to look forward to, even if it is just a letter. So later on today I'm planning on writing to him for the first time.

Later on in the evening I had a lovely chat online with Mollie & once she'd gone to bed my friend DK came online & had a lovely chat with him. We don't see each other very often but by being online I usually get the chance to talk to him most days.

So yeah I've been up all night but thoroughly enjoyed it. I've spoken online to two very special friends & after saying goodnight to them I've been sat talking to Jamie.

What a beautiful day I've had & I'm looking forward to many more. It's good to be feeling more positive about life. Quite a new experience for me.

Anyway I've rambled on enough. Thank you to those of you who have taken the time to read & I look forward to writing again soon.

Not Giving Up!!

Well I attempted to write some positive type of poetry but it's not really my style so thought I'd write something else instead.

I've had quite a good week on the whole. A few steady walks have been taken, not far but I'm slowly breaking myself back into the exercise thing. It's been a long time since I did anything worth talking about. Hopefully I'll feel more & more like it & eventually be back to doing my eight laps round the park where I live, that & healthy eating helped me lose the weight before.

My problem is that I still having that little voice at the back of head telling me I can't do it, I know I can it's just a case of finding my inner strength to push me along. I feel limited as to when I can go out as I don't people seeing me, so that either means early mornings or late on in the evening. I know it shouldn't make a difference but I have it engrained in my mind that if anyone were to see me they'd be sure to say something.

My Mother once said that I had a superiority complex cos what made me so special that people would want to talk about me. I guess she had a fair point. I don't think of myself as special in any way, shape or form. I'm sure people are too busy with their own goings on to even notice me, but as I'm so self concious I can't help but feel the negative.

I'm not giving up though even if I do have to suffer these negative thoughts, I know they'll turn to positive ones eventually!

I'm so ashamed of how I now look that I hide day after day under a duvet on the sofa so that I don't have to see my ever expanding belly & nor does Jamie, neither do the rare visitors we have. I hate it that feel I have to do this. If I could hide my face too. I know despite my weight & how I feel about myself, I'm still me & people accept me that way. They see beyond what I have become.

Of course there is my friend DK whom has always been a constant support to me & Liane too.

Anyway enough of the me being negative about myself.

I'm having a lot more contact with my children, mainly my daughter. I love our long chats I'm getting to know her all over again & I actually feel like a Mum, rather than just a voice at the end of the phone.

I also celebrated my birthday this week. I dread birthdays now I'm in my forties, but I had some lovely cards & presents & as always Jamie waited on me hand & foot. I felt thoroughly spoilt, which is always a good thing. Then again Jamie is good at doing that sort of thing. He gives me a reason for living & not wanting to give up on life like I used to. I'm more expressive about my good feelings. I read my old poetry the other day & it was all so angry. I'm looking forward to when I can write more positively but as it's something I've not done before it could take some time but again I've not given up on the idea.

Well it's 4.30am & although not tired I feel for now that I've not got a lot else to say, other than a big thank you to my friends DK, & Liane who are always there for me no matter what. I don't let anyone in to my true thoughts but I know these are three people I can always count on.

I hope to write again soon & be a lot more positive about everything.

That's all folks. Thanks for taking the time to read.

Something I Treasure

This poem was written for by my very dear friend Liane. She has a way with words. She sent me an email earlier on in comment to my last entry that certainly touched my heart.

Anyway many years ago I changed my name by deed poll from Alex to Lexi, also my surname. Through different periods of my life it had been a nickname & I preferred it. So when I'd done the deed Liane wrote this poem for me. With what I had written earlier I felt this was appropriate & something to look at to give me a kick up the backside.

For Lexi

You once were Alex, scared, confused, messed in the head

But renewed & refreshed as Lexi, the Alex part dead.

You're an inspiration to everyone you meet

And now is your time, the world at your feet.

Your spirit is strong, contagious, infectious,

Your nature is kind, loving & generous.

You have so much love for those you know

Your troubled littered past doesn't show.

There was a time when you were consumed with self hatred & guilt

But now your spirit & confidence are more strongly built.

You have inner strength beyond comprehension,

You've fought through pain, hurt & tension.

Now is your time to blossom & grow,

You're heaven sent, an angel you know!

See yourself as we all do,

An inspiration through & through.

Create your future, you can't change the past,

But learn what you can cos things can change fast.

There's so much out there waiting for you

You're one person this world don't want to lose.

But when you do leave this earth

Whether taken by God or worse,

I want you always to know this...

Your love & person will be sorely missed.

This was written back in 2003 & a year later, on the date that my deed poll became effective, Liane threw a first birthday party for me. Something I will treasure for many years to come.

I'm lucky to have the friends I do. I only let certain people in to my deepest & darkest secrets. My closest friends are all very different, but I love each & everyone of them for their uniqueness. Even my newest friend Mollie.

For those I've had for many years I just want to thank you for sticking by me, for not giving up on me even when I've given up on myself.

Thanks Liane for this poem & the other ones you've written for me. Also for the crazy things you've done for me over the years to make me smile.

Anyway that's it for now. Hope you enjoyed reading. xx

Fat, Fatter, Fattest. Time For Change.

Another week is nearly over & to be honest I've not really accomplished much. I have spent a lot of time thinking.

I'm not happy with myself in so many ways. I think I judge myself & think the worst before anyone has said anything to me.

I think it all stems from when I was growing up. People used to make jokes about my maiden name & also the way I pronounced things, instead of baff (bath) I'd say barf & so on. I even had a friend when I was little trying to teach me how to say it like the locals. Because of this I felt like I was an outsider, felt I wasn't accepted for me. And so the cycle began. Trying to fit in, always aware of how I spoke or looked.

I've had two friends who have made comments to me that have made me think & to a degree put me off from wanting to see them. One said " My husband doesn't like fat people " & another " I can't be doing with ugly people ". I find both comments extremely shallow, ok someone may be overweight but it doesn't make them a bad person, there could be several reasons as to why someone is overweight. Mine is combination of several factors. I take a lot of medication & also with my agoraphobia I don't get enough exercise to help me burn of the calories. Admittedly there is stuff I can do round the house but it doesn't need doing everyday & also due to my depression I don't always feel up to things. A lame excuse I know but at least I'm truthful about it.

As to the ugly comment, again a shallow comment. Who are we to judge whether someone is ugly. Everyone has a beauty about them, no one is perfect, we all have good & bad within us.Due to these comments, although I can rationalise it for others I don't see it in myself.

Even when I weighed eight stone I still saw myself as fat & I don't like looking in the mirror any more.The only time I have felt good is when I'd met Jamie & he just accepted me for me & I weighed eleven stone. I was having an extremely manic episode so didn't really care about anything. Although still overweight for my height I could get into a size 12 so was happy enough with that. My weight was stable & I was happier than I'd been in years, even though it took Jamie six months to realise he wanted a relationship with me, we still had fun when we did see each other & I wouldn't trade that for anything.

Then a psychiatrist, who was just standing in for my usual one, decided it would be a good idea to change my meds & so the weight went on no matter how much exercise I did. So the more weight I put on the uglier I felt. Because of the comments that had been made I felt I was not worthy of anyone's love or attention & so a long term depression set in. To a degree I'm still in it now. My agoraphobia stems from this too.
I don't like crowded areas at the best of times & get sent into a panic. Now with how I look I think people are talking about me, judging me, wondering what on earth Jamie is doing with me. So to stay in & shut myself away from the world is the safest option for me. Even going to see friends has become a no no as I'm too embarrassed/ashamed for them to see me as I am now. Deep down I know they won't judge me, but I want to be on the safe side.I know I have to do something about it sooner rather than later as it's already a problem.

I can't walk far without either having pains in my back or just basically being out of breath. Jamie's constantly trying to encourage me to go out, just for a short stroll & slowly build me up. I feel though I should be able to walk a decent distant & because I know I can't, I've kind of given up myself. Defeatist attitude!

Writing this down is making me think, it's about time I did do something. So that is my aim, even if it's only a little stroll to the end of the road, it's a start. A bloody scary one but a start nonetheless. So I guess from now I'm going to make a concious effort to sort myself out so I can start living properly again.

I'll post on my progress & my usual life, love & the universe. Wish me luck folks. I'll be back soon.

Past & Present

Well here I am again after what seems like quite some time. Lot's been happening but I won't go into all of it otherwise I'll be here all night.
I had some news the other Sunday that my father had died. I wasn't sure how to feel. I'd not seen him for 24 years & the last time I'd briefly spoken to him was 2002. We didn't have the best of relationships, which I guess shows in the amount of time we'd not had contact.As children, my 3 brothers, sister & myself, didn't have the best of childhoods. Constant arguments & he wasn't scared to use his fists when he felt it necessary. One episode sticks in my head of how he was with me. My Mother was out & my father was sorting me out for going to bed, which involved me having a cup a tea to take with me. I was probably not much older than 5 years old, to be honest a lot of it all is very much a blur, but somewhere around that age.Anyway he made me this cup of tea, knowing I had two sugars. He gave me the drink & sent me upstairs with it.Halfway up the stairs I had a sip of tea & it tasted foul, he'd put salt in it instead of sugar. He shouted up the stairs after me to ask if my tea was alright. I responded that it was fine. The next thing I remember was being grabbed & being smacked. The reason being cos I'd lied to him, however if I'd told him the truth the punishment would have been the same. That was the problem, you could never win with him. That story has stuck with me all these years & I don't think I'll ever forget it.There many other incidents but I don't want this to be all about him & my weird relationship with him.Hearing he'd died though brought up a lot of the memories I had of him. I wasn't sure how I was supposed to feel & just felt very confused. However I'm moving on from that now, just sad that I didn't have a decent relationship that I could look back on with fond memories. At the end of the day he estranged himself from everyone.
On a better note I've been talking to my children a lot more, which has been a definite positive. I love my chats with my daughter, she reminds me of myself at that age, 16, apart from she doesn't have much of a social life due to the fact they really do live in the middle of nowhere in France. But we have a laugh & a joke as well as talking through the more serious stuff.She doesn't remember me really being in her life as I'd left before she turned 2 years old. I saw them, to start with, on a regular basis. Sadly after several hospital admissions & feeling severely depressed the contact dropped off a bit. I didn't want her or my boys to see me in the mess I'd become. They had enough to deal with, what with me not living with them. Thankfully my daughter & I talk over those times & she still loves me, which warms my heart. She has every right not to want to know me.My eldest is cool over everything too & we also have some good conversations & some laughs. Both he & my daughter know they can talk to me.My other son, at present, is a little reluctant to open up to me. I do understand why & naturally don't hold a grudge. We do chat, usually online, so that's a start. I love & miss all of them equally & can't wait for the day they come to visit. Eight years is a helluva lot to miss out on. They left as children but are coming back to see me as young adults. It's quite a scary thought.
I've had some good days recently, felt almost positive, for me that's an achievement. I've not spent everyday in the depths of despair. The only thing really getting me down is my agoraphobia. I keep hoping I'll wake up & feel this is the day that I can take that first step out into the big wide world & appreciate it for what it is, especially where I live. I know many would love to live where I do. I know it will pass but it's just a matter of when. If I force myself to do it I know it won't be successful. I have to have my mind & body ready to be able to do it & I also I know it will come in time. The waiting is hell though. Why don't I just do it I hear you cry, trust me if I could I would have. I don't enjoy the life of a recluse.
On a good note I having been trying to be a better friend to my dearest friend DK. He's not been having such a good time & is going through some changes of which I'm trying to be supportive. I love that I can kind of give out advice to him rather than him constantly having to take care of me. Whether I'm doing any good I'm not sure but at least I'm trying.I'm really happy one of my other dear friends, I call her my unbiological sister, is online now. I should be able to keep a bit more up to date with things. I can't remember the last time I saw her & although I know she accepts me for me, whatever, I'm ashamed of how I am, how I look & my negative feelings. She's always upbeat & has a beautiful nature inside & out. She does have her bad days but it never lasts for long & she's able to rationalise everything & get back to her bubbly self. She's not had things easy over the years but she copes amazingly.I have one friend very dear to my heart, who is sadly going through a tough time. I was thinking of her a lot today. I was debating deleting myself off Facebook earlier on. Something she has done. It can be a very lonely place at times, especially when you're feeling down. After some consideration I decided against doing this as it helps in some ways with my agoraphobia, keeps me in touch with some of my friends that I don't have regular contact with.
My sleep is still all over the place, I just grab it when I can. I've about given up on my social worker, she was supposed to ring me today about coming out on a visit, but failed to do so. I did ring about half an hour before she was supposedly due & said as she'd not rung to confirm I really didn't feel up to seeing her. Just felt like staying under my duvet & shutting myself off from the world. I think it did do me some good as I'm feeling in a better place head wise so maybe I am better off without her, but I know I still need someone plus my psychiatrist, but she never seems to have time for me. I'm lucky I have the friends that I do, old & new, who help me through things.
I'm happy with life, generally. I'm lucky to have Jamie. He's my rock & really does support me even though at times he gets frustrated with how I am. He knows how much I want to be out & doing things outside, but he's says he's happy to wait til I feel I can actually cope with it all. I feel for him as when we were first together I was loving going out & doing different things. We used to go on some beautiful walks together & just enjoy the countryside. I miss it all so much & feel bad for Jamie as he's having to do all outside things on his own. I need to get sorted for so many reasons, but really my main one, other than for myself, I need & want to do it for Jamie.
I do have plenty to be thankful for. There are plenty who are worse off than me, but when I'm in the depths of my despair I can't think like that.
Anyway it's early hours of Thursday morning so I guess it's time I should sign off.Thank you for those of you have taken the time to read. I'll try & write more regularly.

A Quick Update

I felt it was about time I sat down & wrote something in here as it has been sometime.

Well life hasn’t been too bad to me all round. There’s been the odd up & down but I’ve dealt with them in my stride.

I’ve been having some long chats online & on the phone, mainly to my eldest son & my daughter. My other son now lives at his girlfriends, now only returning home occasionally much to my eldest son & daughter disgruntlement. But teenagers are as they are.

I love chatting with my daughter, we can share so many stories & she understands about my depression, definitely a step forward. Also we share a lot of things in common. She’s so loving & caring & has happily accepted Jamie as her “step daddy” which is a definite bonus.

My eldest son has been having a lot of problems with different things but we helped out as much as we could. Again I love having my chats with him. He & Jamie pretty much like the same things so no doubt when they do get to meet they’ll have plenty to say….. Both of them can a talk a lot!!!!

My younger son, well I only to get to talk to him when he’s online. I think he

finds it a bit hard talking with me as me leaving hit him the hardest & he came quite introverted. Also with him living at his girlfriends Mothers & working it isn’t always that easy. Plus he finds it easier to talk online.

So that’s my`children’s news in brief.

Jamie is now writing a blog about his past experiences but he’s writing them rap style. It’s amazing how quickly he does them. If you want to check them out you’ll find it at http://jamiefive.blogspot.com/.

I’ve not been sleeping too well again but Jamie sits up with me to keep me company, making me cups of tea when needed. I don’t know what ’d do without him.

On the whole life has been good for me. I’ve enjoyed doing the things that I’ve done.

I had a lovely day out last Tuesday & went to visit one of my oldest friends DK. It was good to catch up & a laugh. I even let her take a few photos of me. We are actually going to have a day where we spend a day of him taking different photos of me, which I’m looking forward to. Hopefully they’ll be some decent ones that I’ll be able to put up on here.

I’m pleased to say that one of my dearest friends depression seems to have lifted so looking forward to catching up with her. On a sadder note two of my friends are desperately hurting, both in different ways but my thoughts are with them.

Talking of friends I’ve been discovering who my real friends are. I’m tired of those who use me & just want me there for their convenience, yet when I need them they’re nowhere to been seen. So I’ve binned them for the time being & see how it feels when I ignore them & see if they get the idea.

It may seem slightly childish but this has been going on with these two particular friends for years & I just got tired of it. Anyway I’ll just have to wait & see what happens.

My biggest thing at the moment is trying to learn to be happy with myself, in everyway. Not an easy thing for me cos I’ve always been good at beating myself up over one thing or another. However I’m getting a little better at it as time goes on.

One day I might actually be able to say that I am happy with who I am & see what other people see in me, but it’s going to take some time.

Anyway enough for now folks. Thanks for reading xx

True Friendship

I actually wrote this piece several years ago but the friendship remains the same, other than a name change on both our parts & new relationships. Sorry it's a bit long but couldn't make it shorter cos of what I had to say...

Here is where I want to write about what true friendship is all about.

There are times when I look at my life & feel sad & alone, but I've been blessed with the greatest gift of all & that is a true friendship & comes from my dearest & beloved friend Kat.

We met when we were 11 years old at Hope Valley College, & in many ways she has never changed.

Her nature is as fresh as a crisp autumn morning & she radiates such warmth to all she meets. I instantly felt at ease with her.

I think we were always meant to be friends...

Not long after we first met, she told me how she & her family were moving to Bakewell. The strange thing was only a few weeks before this my Mother had told me that we were all going to have to move. The house we lived in then was too big for my Mother to keep going, as her & my Father had divorced several years previously & there was only me & my youngest brother living at home on a permanent basis & the village we lived in held no job prospects for my Mother, & in many ways we were quite isolated.

The even stranger thing was that the house my Mother was interested in was also the one that Kat's family were thinking of buying... For whatever reason my Mother changed her mind about it & Kat's family bought it. Several weeks later another one came on the market that my Mother did decided to go for & ended up buying & even better it was only 4 doors down from Kat's...!

However Kat left before the end of the school year, but I knew we would be reunited in the September in Bakewell.

As Kat had been there for several months before me, she had naturally made friends &, as always, welcomed me with open arms & introduced me to everyone, again making me feel at ease & safe.

Her generousity has always been endless, whether it is imparting with her vast knowledge of life & the universe,  sharing her life with others or breaking the last biscuit in the packet so everyone could have some. I don't think anyone could measure up to her.

I think it was because (although at that point it was never spoken about) we had both suffered a lot of emotional turmoil, that we were drawn together but we had our own seperate friends & after a while didn't spend as much time together.

Then her family moved again & although she was still attending the same school we did see much of each other at all.

I then left for boarding school at the end of the 3rd year, ready for doing my 'O' levels & that was the end... or so I thought.

After 4 years of being in York, & just coming home for holidays, I returned to Bakewell where I met my now ex husband Chris.

Things were ok, though I had my bad days as I'd been diagnosed with depression whilst at school & had been on medication for it.

Anyway Chris & I settled down bought a house & spent all our time working to keep the mortgage paid & the rest of the time renovating the house.

We then married on my 21st birthday & when I was 22 I had my first born Zach.

When Zach was about 8 months old I went back to work, just part time in the local video shop & it was there that Kat & I were reunited.

It had been the usual busy Friday night & I'd been doing the usual of serving the customers & then we had a slight lull. For some reason my eyes were drawn to a section of the shop & even tho' she had her back to me I knew it was Kat! I waited 'til she had made her selection & had come to the counter before I let her see me... We had so much news to catch up on but just did a brief history. It turned out she'd had Kirsty, who was then 4, & also Anthony, who was a month older than Zach, so we exchanged phone numbers & promised to keep in touch. We used meet up & take Zach & Anthony to the *Mother & Toddler* swim thing occasionally & as I could drive every now & again I would call in & see her. I didn't live too far away but it wasn't an easy bus route, & definitely too far to walk, so was easier for me to visit her.

Then sadly the relationship she was in wasn't working out, so once again she moved, so our contact tended to be by phone.

Then Chris & I moved & I fell pregnant with Jordan. Kat & I remained friends, even if it was by phone & then when she passed her driving test & would call round to see me.

She, as per usual, was working hard at Uni but when she had a bit of free time would call round for a coffee. It tended to be a Wednesday. She had told me of some guy she'd met & one Wednesday when I heard the doorbell ring, I knew it was her, but this time she was calling to let me know that she wouldn't be calling in as usual as her & Wayne were spending the day together.

Once again I was reminded of how thoughtful she was. It wasn't a set in stone thing that we had that arrangement of seeing each other on that day & she could have quite easily just left it or phoned me, but no, she called to tell me in person.

I was actually pregnant with Liberty by this time & by the time she'd been born Kat & Wayne had moved in together & only 5 minutes away, so every now & then I'd call round to visit them.

Sadly things hadn't been going to well between myself & Chris & Kat was the friend I turned to. As always she was there to help & when Chris & I had a blazing row & I walked out at 7.30am one June morning it was Kat that I rung to ask if she'd come & fetch me. She did so & took me back to hers where we sat & talked, & she said even then she thought I was suffering with depression (& I'd never told her about my previous bout when I'd been at school). But she talked me into ringing Chris so we could talk things over, but he still found it difficult to understand.

So life ticked on & I wasn't happy but I'm sure there was someone looking down on me, as Kat & Wayne (who by this point had married) wanted to move & the house diagonally oppposite ours became available. And once again Kat & I were neighbours.

We spent many a happy hour together, whether it be during the day or quite often in the evening over a bottle or two of wine. We even used to talk on the phone, I could stand in my backyard & she'd lean out of her bedroom window & we chat quite happily... it would have been easier (& cheaper) to shout across to each other... but hey we just had our crazy times...

We also had problems saying goodbye to each other & at times it could take up to half an hour as we'd sing a verse or two from all the goodbye songs we knew, & trust me we knew a few...

I was dreadfully unhappy in my life & it was Kat who was there to help me thru' those bad days.

I guess in some ways we looked out for each other, tho' she was always the wise one, whereas I'd crack a joke & hide behind my mask, quite often using alcohol to block out the pain I was feeling.

Sadly things between Chris & I didn't work out & I ended up moving out, although I did go back everyday to look after the children.  I went to live with my Mother, which was a very bad idea. I'd only been there 10 days when she asked me to move out. I was at a loss at what to do but Kat took me in & looked after me. She knew I wasn't well, even tho' at that point I wouldn't admit it...

Then in January 1996 I had a major breakdown & ended up being hospitalised for 8 weeks.

There were very few days that Kat didn't visit, sometimes it was just for half an hour & many a time she left me with tears in her eyes... I never really did understand why, but I now can see how ill I was & how heartbreaking it was for her to see me in such a state.

She was one of the few people I could truly trust & when the flashbacks started it was her that I turned to.... She was over to see me as fast as she could be & I remember her holding me as I cried & told her things I'd never dared to share with anyone before. When the psychiatrist came to see me it was her that became my voice when I couldn't speak & explained to him what had happened.

And so it was, I knew then I would always be safe if she was with me.

However we both still had our own lives to lead & whilst in hospital I made the decision to move away & go & live in Birkenhead as I had friends up there, & I needed some serious time out... 

Again it was Kat who came to my aid & took me up there once I'd been discharged from hospital. We reverted back to having to rely on the phone for our contact.

Then one night I fell into real crisis where I started to self harm & although I had friends in the block of flats where I lived, I knew there was only really one person who could talk me out of doing any serious damage, so 2am I'm on the phone to Kat telling her what I'd done & she spent over 2 hours talking to me & then at around 4.30am she said she was going to have to go. I went into panic mode until she explained the reason she was going was so she could drive up to be with me & help me. By 7am she was with me & by 8.30am she'd got me an appointment at my GP's.

Again she was there to help & explain things that I'd not always been able to get across & my GP agreed that I needed to be seen by a psychiatrist & sent us off to Arrowe Park hospital.

After quite a few hours of hanging around I was seen & there was talk of me being admitted to the unit up there but thankfully I managed to avoid it, on the proviso that I came back the next day to have a better talk with someone, naturally I agreed, but Kat had her own family to think about, so after taking me home & having a cup of coffee she set off on her journey home. I'll never forget all she did for me in those hours & once again I realised how lucky I was (am still am) to have her as a friend.

Anyway more time passed & the contact never stopped. Then one day I discovered I was pregnant & as I'd been sterilised 2 years previous it was a quite a shock & the relationship I was in wasn't a particularly healthy one...

Since I'd been living up in Birkenhead I'd not spoken to my Mother, as I couldn't handle how she'd been with me, & we still have unresolved issues even now. But on this occasion I found myself turning to her & coming back down to Derbyshire. She was still the same with me, tho' she was happy for me to stay. However the next morning she had a meeting that was supposed to last all day, so 5 minutes after she left I found myself taking an overdose. For whatever reason my Mother's meeting was cancelled & she returned home to find me out cold & apparently looking very grey.

The next thing I remember is coming round in A & E, & then my Mother saying now that I was ok she needed to go as she had another meeting to attend.

A nurse came into see me & I asked her if there was a phone I could use... she showed me where & I groggily staggered over & rang Kat to tell her what had happened. I guess then I must have passed out again cos the next thing I knew Kat was there with me, & again helped me when I had to talk to the psychiatrist. Once again I was admitted, & again Kat was there for me.

I experienced a lot of strange things on this admission but they are going to be written about elsewhere.

Sadly, due to my mental state & the fact I was not capable of looking after myself, it was decided that I should have a termination... I'm still struggling to come to terms with it. Again Kat supported me.

I've had many admissions, & each & every one Kat has been there for me. To me she is my family, hence my reason for having listed as my next of kin.

I look back over the years, yes in many ways I'm stronger than I was & although I know basically the work has come from me, without the love & support of certain people, namely Kat, I wouldn't be sat here now.

She's rescued me many times, whether it be from overdosing or cutting myself so badly I've needed stitches. I know it's broken her heart on several occasions but not once has she given up on me, even tho' I've wanted to give up, she's given me that will to live & is teaching me that life can be fun.

I feel honoured to call her my friend & I know I'm blessed to have her as one.

Sadly, in some ways, her marriage to Wayne broke down & all I ever wished was that she would find true happiness.

But due to that break up she now has, & is surrounded by love & warmth that she, more than anyone I know, truly deserves. She knows which direction she's headed & it's definitely an upwards one.

I know one thing she does long for is to live by the sea & again I know it will be something that will happen one day. However I feel safe in knowledge no matter where she is our friendship is everlasting & she will always be there for me.

I wish I could give her as much as she has given me.

I feel a richer person for having her in my life.

I love you Kat. Be happy my friend, & I can never thank you enough for all that you have done & still do for me.

You've always been there to watch over me & you are my *Guardian Angel*.

~hugs~