Tick Tock

Just a quick one whilst I'm sat here wallowing in my own self pity... 


Been pondering on several things just recently, none of which are particularly good... Some naturally & obviously have been about myself but also thoughts of others. 


I've always tried to treat others like I'd like to be treated myself & I think that by doing this I've become a bit of a soft touch & some people have taken advantage of this... But then I have no one to blame but myself. So for now I'm going to just have to keep my mouth shut but I will have my day, but it will have to be sooner rather than later.... Time's a ticking & I'm a walking bomb!!


I do sometimes wonder when I do die who will truly miss me & for the right reasons. 
I know undoubtedly of one or two that will, but to the rest I'll just become a vague memory, no longer able to give them what they want/need... Some may just grieve cos they feel they should or maybe just use it for their own self pitying needs.. I suppose really it won't matter cos I will no longer be here to witness it as such & be able to speak my mind on it all.


My days don't get easier they get harder. Every day is a battle to fight, to put that smile on my face & carry on as though everything's fine...nothing's different. Whereas in reality my whole life has fallen apart.
I'm tired... Tired of losing... Tired of crying... Tired of trying... Tired of life.


There is only one person who truly knows, understands, as best they can, how I feel. Only one person that I can bear my heart & soul to. They don't tell me to 'pull my socks up'... to 'get a grip'... to 'not feel sorry for myself'. They just listen when I need to talk, let me cry & lash out at the world & by them doing this I am able to truly smile when I'm with them.
They don't try to change my point of view, just hope in time that I'll see things differently, & if I don't that's not a problem to them.


You can be surrounded by material things, a nice car, a little bit of money in the bank, somewhere decent to live, but when you're on your own none of it really means anything. 
I'd happily trade all I have to have what I truly want, but sadly it's not that easy...


Enough of my wallowing. I need to find a screwdriver to fix my curtain pole!!