The Prisoner?

Well here I am again. Today I've thinking about my agoraphobia... It's a curse, a disabling curse.

I can't remember the last time I actually went out. I've had a little drive in the car, but as for going for a walk it must have been sometime before Christmas. Everyday I tell myself I'm going to go out but I never get round to it. Too scared to venture out in the big bad world. I hate it. I long for the days when I could go out on a regular basis, whether it was just for a drive or a nice walk in the countryside.

When me & Jamie first got together we used to go for some lovely long walks, taking in the fresh air & scenery. There were times we'd go up onto the Monsal trail & walk for hours talking about everything, then realise we'd covered a few miles & have to walk back. But I loved it, all of it. Best of all spending quality time with Jamie.

I then became physically unwell, which had a knock on effect & my mental health started to slip. I started to stop going out. Limited the the time I spent with my friends. Now I don't even see them. I get nervous when they say they're coming to see me & quite often think of an excuse as to why I can't see them. I do manage sometimes & when I do I do feel so much better for it.

My wish is to be able to chuck some clothes on & say " fuck it & let's go for a walk/drive " but I just can't do it now.

I think one of the reasons I get so frustrated is cos of what I used to be like. I could go anywhere & do anything. But my life, in that way, has changed so much.

Years ago nothing really phased me, I'd try almost anything. Yet now I even struggle to get dressed. The only time I get dressed now is if I've got an appointment & I have to leave the flat.

I wake most mornings (if I've slept) hating myself for being, how I see it, pathetic. At the end of the day what could happen to me if I did venture out? Nothing. People are out everyday & survive it so why can't I?

I feel I'm constantly letting Jamie down. He tries to encourage me day in day out, but again I find some kind of excuse not to do whatever he's suggested. I don't know how he puts up with me, I'm just thankful that he does.

I do get frustrated that Jamie blames himself for how I am, but none of it is his fault. I have struggled at different times with this " disease ". I do eventually come out of it but this time it has gone on for far too long & no matter how hard I have tried, on occasions, it's just not happening & I guess I'm beginning to give up now. It scares me that this is my life now & I can't see the end of it.

I long for the day when all these feelings go & I can lead a " normal " life, whatever " normal " is. I know everyone's normal is different but I don't know what my normal is any more. Does it mean I'm going to be trapped in my flat 'til my dying day? I do long to go outside & feel & taste the fresh air.

I could cry sometimes about it, but then what's that going to do? It's not going to change the situation.

I want so many things in my life to change, & I know it's only me that can change it but I no longer know if I'm capable of doing it. I hate this feeling of defeat.

It's times like these when my depression & self harm thoughts come into my mind. It seems like the only way forward. I guess that's kind of sad really.

I'm not wanting sympathy, just understanding. Is that too much to ask for?

I spoke to my daughter, who's 16, last night online. She'd read my ' Wants & Needs ' piece & as she's in a band & quite often writes the lyrics as well as composing the music, she's going to try & turn it into a song. The band is called The Noble Clowns & you can find them on You Tube & Blip.fm. Or check out their website http://www.thenobleclowns.skyblog.com/. They consist of my daughter, my younger son & a friend of theirs.

I've not seen them for just over eight years, as they live in France & my agoraphobia has prevented me from visiting them. There is a possibility they may come for a visit but just the thought of seeing them again, after all this time, has sent me into panic mode. Ridiculous I know but this is how I am now. Scared of life & what it could possibly hold for me.

I guess it'll just have to the ' one day at a time ' type thing. But that's the problem I start to worry about things before they happen & guess that what prevents me from going out & enjoying myself. I'm constantly saying over & over in my mind " what if...".

I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes. Maybe I am, who knows. Maybe it's just some kind of punishment I'm getting for the stuff I've done in the past, especially where the children are concerned. But that's a whole different story, which I will share at some point.

I guess for now I will just have to cope as best I can with my thoughts & feelings & keep plodding on & see what happens & hope things will improve.

Well I guess that's me done for now. Thanks for taking the time to read.

A Feeling Of Loss.

The last few days for me have been very up & down. Lost in thoughts over many things. Thinking of self harm & suicide. Failure. Loss.

All these things are never far from my mind, some days though worse than others. I guess this is true for all of us.

I think the fact I've not slept properly for the past week, & barely eaten, hasn't helped. Also no energy, just sitting about doing very little. This is just how it is sometimes for me, especially when I'm not feeling my best. I love it when I'm on a "high", I have no appetite or need to sleep but I enjoy the feeling of being alive & want to be out there doing the things that most people do everyday. My agoraphobia is really at it's worse at the moment. It's been many years that it was this bad. I know it will pass, it's just a matter of when.

So while I've been up & awake I've had more time to think... I love the fact I've got my little laptop, it gives me another distraction & being on Facebook has been a good way to catch up with old friends, plus make a few new ones along the way.

One of the really good things to come out of it is I now have another way of being in touch with my children. I have three, sadly one of them at the moment has mixed emotions about me. It hurts but can totally understand why.

I think part the reason I've been feeling the way I do is the fact I've not seen them grow up, not been there for the first days at school or other school events, well life events really. Not been there to see them bring their first girlfriends home, my daughter's not bothered about a boyfriend yet. Hearing stories of what they've been up to.

Of course we speak on the phone but it's not the same as being there & sharing the experiences.

As I said we're kinda back in contact through the internet & all of a sudden I'm seeing photos of them, hearing things they've been up to. It's just hard being a mother & having no real knowledge of the lives you've brought into this world.

I hate myself for not being there for them & giving them what they needed. Their father has done a fantastic job of bringing them up alone, with very little help, especially when they moved to France. The only wish I have is that he could have brought them back once in a while. But again I can understand, not just the monetary side of things, why this hasn't happened.

I feel I don't deserve to have good things happen to me, when they have had so little. I feel I don't deserve to live, but what would they think if I did go ahead & kill myself. So then there's the self harm, but again my body is covered in visible ones, & of course there are the mental ones too. How would this affect three innocent lives who never asked for any of this?

I feel I've failed as a mother & failed at life in general. Feel there is no point in any of it as I'm sure, somewhere a long the line I'll fuck again.

I miss them all with a vengeance but in the same breath I'm scared to see them again. I don't know if I could cope with it after eight years of being apart.

So life, again, has become a battle for me. I take all the medication I'm prescribed but none of it takes these feelings away & I guess it never will. I just have to keep learning to live with the situation, but days like these it doesn't get any easier.

I guess for now that's all folks.

Wants & Needs

I wrote this piece many years ago when I was in hospital on yet another admission. Although back then it always work, I started using writing as an outlet. Hoping it would help stop the suicide attempts & the self harming. Obviously it didn't always work but it kind of gave me another focus.

I hope you enjoy reading, as I enjoy sharing.

I want to feel loved, wanted & special. I want to be held, kissed & touched as though I'm the only thing that's keeping the other person alive.

I want to be held at night when my nightmares start by someone who I know loves me for me, & not for their own sexual satisfaction.

Someone to wipe the tears away when life becomes unbearable & I just can't can't go on.

Someone to talk to & understand, to hold my hand or put their arms around me, to believe in me.

I want people to accept me for what I am & not judge me. To realise I am a person too.

I have feelings & a lot of people seem to forget that. I feel I'm an emotional punchbag.

So many people are happy to tell me their problems, but don't always have time for me.

And those who genuinely care I seem to push away, & not want to believe the good things they are saying about me.

I suppose I can't expect people to like or love me when I have so much hatred for myself.

A lot of people ask why I harm myself. There are several reasons; one is to get the badness out of me. Another is the need to feel pain so I know I am still in existence.

Pain/hurt is the only thing I've ever really known.

Although I want to be loved I have to feel pain to be able to feel good.

I know the say love hurts, but should it hurt like this?

I feel so trapped. I'm not who I want to be, but have to be.

I want these feelings of emptiness to go.

I need to feel fulfilled. I feel I've been stripped of everything & I'm not sure I'll ever regain what's been lost.

Please let me be me & let me be happy.

I need to see the sun rise in the morning & feel it's warmth upon my skin.

To feel the breeze gently blowing round me.

The rain to fall on my face & hide the tears that I so often shed.

I want to be able to give someone else the same as I want for myself.

I want to love & be loved.

Most of all I want to be free.

Free of the nightmares, the guilt, the shame, but most of all... me.

Lexi Hylton 1998

Self Suffering

Life is so strange at the moment. Having my netbook, that Jamie bought for me, has in many ways been a godsend & has opened up new opportunities for me. It's given me a place to write about my feelings & experiences. Also Facebook, where I've been able to catch up with old friends & make new ones. But mainly it's given me a way of being able to keep in touch with my children, well two of them at least.
Sadly I've not seen my three kids for just over eight years. The reason being they live in France with my ex husband. Every year I've hoped they'll come back for a visit but, as of yet, it's never happened.
I guess here is where I tell you why they're not with me & live so far away...

As you know, if you've read my previous posts, I've suffered with with depression for the majority of my life & after my daughter was born, the youngest after two sons, my depression kicked in so badly that I felt I could no longer cope with life. My thoughts were consumed with those of suicide & self harm.
I struggled on as best I could but each day got progressively worse. I no longer felt happy with anything, let alone my marriage. I was weak in character in many ways back then. To a degree now I have found some inner strength from somewhere.
I wanted to sit my husband down & explain about my battles & demons, but was too scared to. When I did try on one occasion he branded me as "mad" & told me to get myself to my GP, someone whom I had known for years & trusted, but still felt unable to confide in.
Several months pasts & I met someone who I found solace in, & was also going through a bad time in his marriage. One thing lead to another & although I'm not proud of what happened, we ended up having an affair.
It had been going on for three weeks when I felt I could no longer carry on the deception & felt I had to come clean to my husband. It wasn't an easy thing to do but I knew it had to be done.
Naturally he wasn't happy & wanted me out as soon as possible. I couldn't blame him.
It was difficult & I moved from place to place & due to this I left the children in their family home with their father. I wanted them to have stability, not moved from pillar to post & also I wasn't capable of looking after myself, let alone three young children. I did go back to the family home everyday to look after them & to do the housework, but at 5.30pm I would leave once their father got home from work & then I'd return the next morning, apart from weekends.

Already severely depressed the whole situation was making me worse & knew I was getting close to the point of harming myself in some way
I did go to the doctors, on a Saturday morning, crying for help. The next thing I knew I had a psychiatrist coming to see me. He suggested I went into hospital for some respite & obviously to keep myself safe from self harming.
This was the first of many admissions, some for respite & some because I had overdosed & had no longer wanted to live. A feeling I still suffer from.

Due to all of this I handed sole custody over to my husband. It was a hard decision but thought it was for the best. The thing is with the children I couldn't explain to them what was happening, they were too young to understand. I vowed to myself when they were old enough I would explain to them about it all.

For many years I was on self destruct. My husband & I had divorced & the children were settled & had stayed with him.
I was allowed to see them, but there were weekends where I felt too ill to & I let them down on so many occasions. I did feel guilty but didn't think too much about it. I was self consumed with my own thoughts & feelings. Constantly in & out of hospital. It was no life for anyone.

I think after years of the children seeing me going through this & my now ex husband having to try & explain things to them on a regular basis, he felt enough was enough & wanted to get them away from anymore suffering. Sadly he chose to move as faraway as he could. But cos of how I was I wasn't strong enough to fight the decision & felt they would have a better life anyway.
I did ring them but only when I felt I could handle it, not really taking into consideration what they needed. That's the problem with depression, you become self absorbed.

Years have passed & I have been able to explain certain things to my eldest son & my daughter, but they've understood & have forgiven me. They've admitted it was hard growing up but they adjusted & are happy to be in touch with me again, which thanks to Facebook, they can be. It's just my middle child I worry about. In all honesty I can't remember the last time I spoke to him. Even if he's been home he's not wanted to talk to me.
I did have a long chat with my eldest son about things not so long ago & he basically told me that my other son doesn't want to know me & probably never will. I know things could change but at the moment the pain is cutting me like a knife. I may as well get a blade & cut myself cos at least then I'd get some satisfaction of pain. It would never compensate the pain that my son feels, but it would give me a sense of relief for a short period of time. However there's not much room left on my arms for me to cut, without going over old scars. But I want & need a new one so I do have a constant reminder of how deeply I've hurt one of my children.
Yeah I know things could change over the years, but that's no consolation for now. The pain & guilt eats away at me everyday, even more now than it did before. He won't even acknowledge that I'm his mum on Facebook.
All I wanted to do, in the long run, was give them the best life they could have, which was by leaving them with their dad.
I know it's not been easy for any of us. They've had to grow up without a mum & I've had to sit here, really for the past fifteen years, not seeing them grow up & develop into young adults. Not a day goes by that I don't think about them & constantly beat myself up about how things could have been different. Then again I didn't asked to be cursed by this affliction, it's just sad that it has not just affected me.

My husband now, Jamie, is so understanding of the situation, even though he doesn't have children of his own. Both my eldest son & my daughter have accepted Jamie, my daughter even calls him step daddy, even though they've never met. Something that means alot to both of us but especially Jamie. My eldest son just wants to come back to England so he can drink Jamie under the table! Who knows about my other son, it is just a waiting game & no one can predict the outcome. I have to be a bit of a pessimist, then if things turn around it's a bonus. If it doesn't I've not lost out in a way.

The pain of what I have put them through will never go, forgiven or not. I don't feel like I've been a mother & definitely not a mum. Maybe one day this will change. My biggest wish at the moment is for my younger son to give me a chance. I don't expect him to forgive him as such I'd just like it if we could start afresh & we could learn about each others lives.
Who knows what the future holds, I guess we'll just have to watch this space...

Silent Tears

I wrote this piece while I was going through Jamie's relapse. I guess really it's self explanatory.
Thankfully those days are behind us & we have a future to look forward to together.


Silent Tears

Another day dawns,
I wake from my slumber,
Wondering what today will bring.
He stirs next to me
And I know it won't be long
Before he leaves.
I silently cry.
I feel I no longer
Satisfy his needs,
No longer
Good enough for him.
He awakes & drinks the coffee
I made for him earlier.
He lies there
With his eyes closed.
I want to talk to him
But scared of his reaction.
An hour passes
And he stirs again,
Slowly opening his eyes.
I know it won't be long
Before he leaves.
I don't know
Where I went wrong.
I remember the days
Where he didn't want me
Out of his sight.
Where he would
Kiss me passionately.
All that's changed now.
He's anxious to go,
Just stays awhile
Out of politeness.
The time has come.
He quickly dresses,
Kisses me & he's gone,
Never knowing
When he'll return.
I feel lost & alone.
But I know deep down
I am the cause of it.
If only I could be
How I was at the start.
I feel I was living a lie,
Giving him false hope.
I no longer want
To live like this.
I reach into his top drawer,
Taking his tablets from it.
I swallow as many as I can.
Slowly I feel the affects
And there's no turning back.
I hastily scribble
On a piece of paper
"I'm sorry!"
The day disappears into darkness
And I will never see
The light of it again.
Lexi Hylton 2008.

Jamie's Relapse

You meet the nicest of people in the strangest of places.

This isn't just about me but also my beloved husband Jamie...

I met Jamie back in 2006 in a psychiatric unit, where we were both patients. He was the most honest person I'd met in a long time. Also someone I felt I could open up to without feeling I was going to be laughed at or ridiculed for how I felt or what I'd been through, in fact we had many things in common. We spent six months getting to know each other before we entered into a physical relationship.
As I said Jamie was a very honest person. He'd not had the easiest of childhoods & at the age of twelve he'd started to use drugs & by the age of fifteen he was an intravenous user of amphetamines & cocaine. By the age of seventeen he'd developed a £100 a day heroin addiction as well. He never stole from anyone, just worked as hard & as much as he could, & for a period of time dealt drugs, to fund his habit.
Speed was actually his drug of choice,something he could take or leave to a degree, but the heroin had a hold of him. He woke every morning craving it, not able to settle til he got his next fix.
He knew he was slowly but surely destroying his body. Accidently overdosing on many occasions. There was one time it was that bad he ended up in a coma for a week. Even after that he carried on taking it, that's how bad the drug had hold of him.
Due to his constant drug abuse it finally took toll on his mental health. He started to have auditory & visual hallucinations. It got to a point where not only was he a danger to himself but possibly also to others.
Eventually he was psychiatrically assess & for his own safety was placed in a medium secure unit where he was able to receive the help he needed, not just to come clean off the drugs but also learn how to live with the mental illness of schizophrenia.
He was at this particular unit for just over four years before he came to the hospital where we met. He was five years clean, happy & had replaced the feeling he'd got from drugs by going to the gym six days a week.

In 2008 we got married, everything seemed perfect, apart from my physical health had deteriorated & I was unable to be as active as I had been.
Jamie was having to spend alot of time doing things on his own. Also from moving a wardrobe had damaged his back which prevented him from going to the gym... his new addiction.
He'd go into town on his own to do shopping etc, & slowly he started to bump into his old drug buddies.
Feeling low, from no longer being able to go to the gym & me struggling to go out, when one of these old friends offered him heroin he couldn't turn the temptation down.
Obviously this wasn't something he wanted to tell me about, but it brought back old feelings & memories along with helping with the pain he was suffering.
He was once again dependant on it, though only smoking it this time.
He thought he could hide it from me, but he started to change in so many ways. I would confront him about it but he would promise me the reason he couldn't keep his eyes open was just cos he was tired. Everyday though he would find an excuse to go out, everytime coming back in some kind of state.
I knew what was happening but there's not alot you can do when someone swears to you everythings ok & they weren't doing anything they shouldn't.

I began to feel I was going slowly mad. I was wanting to believe what I was being told but by trying to convince myself it wasn't drugs my only other conclusion for him needing to go out as he did, was that he was having an affair. To an extent he was... an affair with the drug.
It lasted for around seven weeks, but trust me it was the longest seven weeks of my life.
I didn't want to share any of my fears with my friends, scared it would make it all the more real. I didn't know what to do. As much as I loved him I could feel my mental health slipping.
I wanted to ask him to leave & come back when he'd sorted himself out, but at the same time I didn't want to give up on him. But while he was in denial there was nothing anybody could do.
I woke every morning feeling sick, knowing at some point he would be disappearing for hours at a time. In all honesty I wished I was dead, often thinking of suicide to escape the pain I was feeling. It hurt me to the core to see him like he was, but I knew he would tell me when he felt ready, if he ever did.

Eventually,one Sunday morning, after he'd done a disappearing act, he rang in tears, sobbing that he had something to tell me. I told him it was ok & that I already knew what it was. He asked if I'd help & support him to come off it. Naturally I agreed. I wanted my old Jamie back & would do whatever I could to get it.
It wasn't easy, but with the support from myself & Jamie's social worker, he was able to work through it & get back to where he is today, the kind, caring, lovable Jamie that I first fell in love with.
Sadly though, this had taken a toll on me & I needed a break from reality. It was suggested that I had a period of time in hospital. Time to recharge my batteries & time to make sure that my feelings of suicide had subsided.
Thankfully it was a short admission & as for myself & Jamie, we're back to where we were when we first met. We're able to laugh & cry together, share our thoughts, but most of all be honest with one another.
I would be lost without him, especially now whilst I'm in a slump. But that's what a marriage/partnership is all about, supporting each other through the good & the bad & that's what we do for one another.

If you've got to the end of this, thank you for reading.

Frustrations

I woke this morning, after very little sleep, & saw the sun shining, making me feel like spring is not so faraway. I wish I felt I could get up & dressed & go outside & enjoy the crisp fresh air, but once again that fear is there... I'm just too scared to take those few steps outside & even sit in the garden. I sometimes wonder if this feeling will ever go. Deep down I know it will, it's just when. But it gets more frustrating as everyday passes. Every night before I go to sleep I make a promise to myself, that tomorrow will be the day when I wake up, get dressed & go for a short stroll. The problem is tomorrow never comes. I sit here day after day,in my pyjamas, hiding under my duvet, trying to cover, what I feel, my grotesque body. I think if I can't see it then maybe it's not that bad after all. I even put friends off from visiting, scared of how they will view me.
I wish, for once, I could be happy with myself & embrace life & what it has to offer. Then once again the feelings of worthlessness kick in. I begin to think what can I actually offer to the people that matter to me? I feel empty inside, to a degree devoid of emotion, apart from the dark blanket that envelops me, keeping me in this deep depression that I can't seem to shake off.
I take medication to supposedly help me, which includes two different antidepressants, a mood stabiliser, an antipsychotic & a sleeping tablet. You'd think with all that I'd wake up looking forward to the day ahead, but everyday is filled with dread.
I am proud to say I've not self harmed (including overdoses) for so long, but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of suicide or cutting myself. Even when I'm on a 'high' the feelings are still there. Cutting, for me, is like an adrenaline rush & there are times where I almost crave it. The only thing that helps me not doing it is having my husband Jamie, I don't want to hurt him with what would be a selfish act on my part. He's been so supportive & helps as best he can with how I'm feeling, but there's no one who can take these feelings away.
I punish myself on a daily basis about the breakdown of my first marriage & the fact my children live with my ex husband in France & have done for the past 8 years, & I've not seen them since they left, but that's a seperate story in itself.
I can't remember the last time I got dressed & actually went out to enjoy myself. Again I don't feel I deserve to. I feel I should be punished for past actions.
I do know there are people worse off than me, but when you're living this hell you can't see beyond it.
I hate it when people say "pull your socks up" or "you just need a kick up the bum". Again, if only it was that simple, there wouldn't be the need for psychiatric units. Somewhere that I've spent many months in. At the end of the day though the feelings don't go, it just keeps you safe for a period of time.
So many people don't understand mental disorders as it's something that can't been seen like a broken leg, & with that you know it will heal. I don't think you ever truly recover from depression, it's always there looming over you. You may feel better for awhile, but you never know when it's going to hit you again. I've not been free of it since I was 15 & I'm 42 now. It's become a lifestyle for me, in & out of hospital & then still struggling at home. But yeah I'm used to it now.
Anyways enough for now...

Beginnings

Well I set this up the other day but it's only now I've got round to writing in it. This is a place where I'm going to share my present & past experiences, along with the odd bit of poetry I've written over the years.
Where to start...? My life has been a mixture of things, as many peoples are. I've suffered from depression from an early age, which at times is difficult to cope with even though I do have good insight into my illness. I've lost alot through it, which is something I'll go into at a later date, but has caused me much heartache.
I have periods of time where I'm too scared to leave the house. Scared I'll be ridiculed for how I look, even feeling that people know I have a mental disorder. My agoraphobia is pretty bad at the moment, I've not really been out since May 2009. A long time by anyone's standards but I'm used to it. Being trapped in my own home, a prisoner if you like.
I'm lucky that I'm blessed with wonderful friends & an amazing husband who support me through my bad times & rejoice with me when I'm feeling happier with life & realise there's more to it than thinking of ending it all. But this is how my life has been, a constant rollercoaster of emotions, never knowing how I'll feel from one day to the next. Depression is a cruel & horrible disease, unless you've really been there you can never totally understand, The term is used so lightly these days. You might be having an off day, so you say your depressed if only it were that simple.
I've taken many overdoses, seriously no longer wanting to carry on with my existence. I also used to self harm on a regular basis, my arms & legs are covered in scars, every one a reminder of how much I detested myself & life. Thankfully I've not overdosed or self harmed for 8 years but the feeling never leaves me. In times of distress all I want to do is reach for a blade & cut so deep just to relieve me from the pain I'm feeling inside. Again if you've not been there it's hard to explain or have you understand.
I am lucky at times cos I can reach a high. Although I'm not diagnosed with bipolar I do have characteristics of it. That can be the best feeling in the world. You feel you're invincible & nothing can touch or hurt you. Unfortunately I've been in a bit of a slump for a while, but hopefully I'll come out of it soon & regain the energy & love of life that I've lost at the moment.
So yeah that's a bit about me, the good, the bad & the ugly. Before I go I'll share a poem with you that was written about my agoraphobia & everyday struggles...

These Four Walls

All alone & sad,
Nothing to do but think.
These four walls
Have become my home.
Too scared to leave them.
Afraid of the outside
And all it holds.
This is my life,
A prisoner
In my own home.
Too tired to go on
Too tired to continue
With this life of misery.
Trapped in my mind
And body.
No longer want to go on
With this existence.
This pain will end
When I can close
My eyes
And not wake up
To this cruel world.
Lexi Hylton 2009