The Battle Begins

I'm trying to write in here more regularly, mainly to keep a reminder of how I'm feeling & where I'm at with the world...


Got so much going off in my head though it's hard to know where to begin, so this actually could take some doing.


I saw my psychiatrist the other week, thankfully he is a lovely bloke who I am able to talk to. With my sleep being so crap, my anxiety levels not good & constant racing thoughts, he put me back on Quetiapine, which does do it's job but I don't want to become reliant on it.
Also my social worker is amazing. I can truly open up to her & share my thoughts & fears of my future. Now that everything is over where Jamie is concerned, as in I've set up his memorial page Jamie Jon Hylton, where people are able to visit & leave stories, thoughts, photos & music & also the interment of some of his ashes has been done, she feels this is now the time to start worrying about me. She feels now I don't have a focus as such I could be on dangerous ground. Got to admit I'm with her on this one. 


I can't believe it's 9 months since his farewell service... I can still see it all as clear as day, yet it still doesn't seem real. I'm still receiving messages from people offering their condolences & it's been good in many ways to catch up with some of his old friends & talk about many different things, some of them really are helping me, making me think about my future too & how to deal with certain issues.


I know I'm lucky in many ways. I have the love of my friends but sometimes it isn't enough. 
They all have their own lives to lead in so many different ways, that I feel I'm being a burden. None of them has said this but that's how I feel. It's a lonely, painful path I'm leading. My world has stopped & everyone carries on around me. Don't get me wrong I'm not expecting anyone to be there for me 24/7. I want everyone to be doing their own thing & I'm glad that those truly important to me do have things in their life, so when it does come my time to leave here their lives will be able to carry on as normal. 
By saying this does not mean I'm making plans to end my life, just that I know that my loved ones will have things to keep them going when I do go.
This is something I am lacking. 
The majority of my time is spent alone, with just my thoughts to contend with. I don't want sympathy, I guess it's more a case of people being aware that I am in pain. I am lost. There's nothing or nobody that can take that away.
Yeah I smile & laugh but inside I am dead & just so so tired of fighting a losing a battle, but I've not given up just yet.


I've just had my living room decorated, so I have had that to focus on, getting it all how I want... only a few more bits to add then it'll be complete, so it will be a case of finding something else to focus on, but it is hard when your life has been torn into a million pieces.


Maybe for now I shouldn't continue writing. I should wait until I can write more positively, just sometimes I need to get these things out, then in 6 months time I can read back on this & see how far I have come & what I have achieved.


So that's it for now. xxx

CNV always Jamie xxxxx

Yesterday was a sad but good day....

Myself & my friends, Andie, Liane (along with Coco) & DK, plus Jamie's Mum & Step-Dad gathered at the plot I have bought to lay some of his ashes there. The rest still remain with me & will until it is my turn to go, then we'll both be going out with a bang!!

The lovely Minister Jonathan, who lead Jamie's funeral was also there & Sue from the cemeteries office.

The day started off with beautiful sunshine, but by lunchtime the sky was grey & looked like it was going to chuck it down.

I'd been to the florist & picked up the flowers... they truly had done a beautiful job. They even gave me a bunch of lilac roses to bring home. Such a lovely gesture.

Anyway DK & I went up to the cemetery to make sure the plaque was clean & to put the flowers in place ready for the interment. The only ones that weren't placed in then were the single roses that myself, Andie, Liane, DK & Yvonne had got for him. Sadly Yvonne couldn't be with us, but her rose was placed along with the others at the end of the service.

Whilst DK was sorting the other flowers it did start to spot with rain & I truly thought the heavens were going to open, but by the time we all met up properly ready to start the service, the sun came out, shining & warm. So maybe there is something in the power of prayer, or maybe it was Jamie spreading his warmth & light upon us. Then again it could just have been the British weather. Whatever it was it was truly beautiful.

The basic but appropriate words were said by Jonathan & then I lowered the small  casket into the ground. We all shared some silence to remember Jamie in our way, for the different gifts he had given us all as husband, son & friend. 

Jonathan then read this poem, that Liane wrote a little while ago

For Jamie, this is what I (selfishly) ask of you, for someone who is loved deeply, by many.

Did anyone really know you?
Many really loved you,
Some were truly loved by you,
No-one will ever forget you..

Do you know what good you did?
What the purpose of your life is?
Just because you now are gone,
Does not mean your work here's done...

You had a gift within you,
When nurtured by love, not only grew,
But infected those surrounding you, 
To smile, laugh, love & be happy too..

You found your one true love,
Who now you watch from up above.
Everyday I ask of you & pray,
Please give her strength for one more day.

The joy and love you brought to life,
Is missed by all, but most your wife,
Your wife, your love, your heart & soul,
Who now you're gone, will never feel whole.

Two people, one love, true soulmates,
Brought together by love & fate,
So suddenly & tragically torn in two,
Each day is a battle to be faced without you.

Her pain her grief is so clear to see,

Even with time it will not ease,

Please give her love, strength & protection,
Until in heaven you can meet again.

xxx Liane Winters xxx

I'd been crying before this but it certainly set me off again.

After all was done & we had sprinkled the dust onto his casket, we chatted together for a short while, then, Jonathan, Sue, Eunice & John (Jamie's Mum & Step-Dad) made their departure & it was just myself & my dear friends, whom are my own special family, sat on the grass chatting & enjoying each others company. Although yes it was a sad day I was lucky to be with those who truly love me & who have stuck by me through thick & thin. So my thanks to DK, Liane & Andie for being there for me. Love you all. xxxxx

Here's a photo of the plaque & the flowers in all their glory.

Thanks for reading xxx

One Last Chance

I'm really not sure what I'm going to put here today... 


My thoughts have been very much all over the place. With this happening it's made it very difficult to properly concentrate on things & my sleep has been pretty poor. Hopefully though the sleep thing will soon be sorted as I'm being put back on my old friend Quetiapine, which usually does tend to knock me out. Something I'm desperately needing at the moment. At least when I'm asleep I have no worries & out of the pain that I'm still experiencing.


Jamie's plaque was finally put in place on Friday & on Sunday, which was his birthday, I spent a good few hours sitting next to it... talking to him in my own way. I was joined by a few of his family but more importantly for me my two best friends DK & Liane. 

Just got the little service to have now to place some of his ashes with it. The lovely Minister, who took Jamie's farewell service, will be there that day to say a few words, along with a few of Jamie's family, myself & a few of my chosen family, who were very close to Jamie also. Then it's just a matter of waiting for the kerb set to be put in place & it will be the perfect place of remembrance of such an amazing person who touched so many peoples lives in so many different ways.


So that aside, life is still a struggle. I am trying so hard each day to make the most of things, but it isn't easy.
I don't feel right in myself, can't explain why or how, just have a feeling of impending doom. 
Depression is at an all time low, despite the smile I put on my face when I'm out & about. I don't know what I want any more. 
In many ways I like my solitude but in others I like to be with certain people, but then when I am I wanting my solitude again.... I don't understand it myself, so don't expect anyone else to.


I'm going to start reading a book soon called Sunbathing in the Rain by Gwyneth Lewis...
The first paragraph of the introduction sums up depression that makes perfect sense to me...

"Every serious episode of depression is a murder mystery. Your old self is gone & in its place is a ghost that is unable to feel any pleasure in food, conversation or or in any of your usual forms of entertainment. You become a body bag. Moving a pile of books can take days, as the objects in the room have a stronger will than your own. You are both the corpse & the detective. Without alibis - work, a social life - there's nowhere to go. Your job is to find out which part of you has died & why it had to be killed."

Also this song has been making me think a lot of myself

James Morrison ~ One Last Chance

Maybe for now I've said enough, so will sign out.
xxx

Broken

Well it's been some time since I was last here. There's been many times I've wanted to write but just haven't known what I want to say... there's so much & yet so hard to express it all.


Since Jamie passed on 12th Sept last year, life really hasn't been the same & never will be. There's not one day that he isn't in my thoughts, definitely plenty of 'what ifs' & why? And when I do manage to sleep it's with tears rolling down my face. I cry during the day too, thinking of all the happy times we shared & knowing that all I've got now are my memories, there's no more to be added to my life with the one person I truly loved & still love. No more hugs, no more kisses, no one to hold me at night & tell me life will be ok. 
The pain is unbearable... my heart is broken into a million pieces & it'll never be put back together again. I'm slowly dying inside. Most of me died that day in all honesty.
I'll never forget that knock on the door... I just knew who it was before I even opened the door & knew what I was going to be told. Of course I cried, but then I was just numb & in shock.
Whilst the police were still with me I rang DK, who came straight over from Chesterfield to be with me & I let them make the decisions for me. I didn't want to leave here but knew I wouldn't be safe if left on my own. A bag was packed but I don't know if I did it or DK. All I do remember is being taken over to Chesterfield & going to Jamie's Mum & sitting up with her all night. I know we cried together but I don't remember talking much, we were both were in severe shock.


The following morning  we were collected by the police to go to the hospital for me to identify the body. That image will stay with me forever.
I know on the Tuesday evening I became hysterical & rang the hospital wanting to see him again, but as the post mortem was being carried on the Wednesday morning I wasn't able to see him til lunchtime of that day.  just didn't want to believe it was real... I still don't.
You share four magical years & then it's taken away from you in a flash.


I will put my hands up & say we were having some problems, many of which I blame myself for... If only I'd tried harder & not giving up on things in the way I had, but I had fallen into a depression, not that that's an excuse, but it was only in the last couple of months of his life that things were more strained. But the fact I'd befriended a slag didn't help matters with her throwing herself at Jamie. Don't get me wrong I know it takes two to tango, but she made out she was a friend but obviously had a game plan from the beginning. I was warned by my friends about her but thru my own stupidity I took no notice. I sure as hell learnt the hard way. I'm being a lot more careful now, even tho I'm on my own now. 
I do still get very angry about her, especially the way she went off about everything, yet within a short few months she moved some bloke in & they're now married & she's expecting a baby. But then nothing really surprises me about her. 
She caused so much heartache in all sorts of ways, but she's got on with her life with no regard to anyone & this one wasn't the first she'd been with since Jamie dying. I can't & won't say her name but myself, close friends & Jamie's family refer to her as the slag!!


Anyway that aside, after his death I just went into auto pilot. Just dealing with the practicalities of everything. Sorting the funeral, talking to the lovely Minister who lead the service & dealing with paperwork etc.


Then there was the funeral to go thru. It was obvious by the amount of people who were there that Jamie was much loved & thought of. I know more would have been there had they'd known.
So many have said what a beautiful service it was...


It wasn't til I got back home, after trying to hold it together, from the funeral that everything hit home. I couldn't eat or sleep & ended up having a short stay in hospital.
Not sure if it was a good thing as it was where me & Jamie had met & of course the staff remembered him & also the two of us getting together. Some of them were unsure of what to say to me, but they all remembered Jamie with such fondness.


Sadly after my admission Jamie's Mum & I stopped talking. Both of us going thru our own personal grief, plus other factors, that I'm not going to go into here.
Thankfully we're back to normal now & trying our best to support one another.


So yeah, it's just myself now. Struggling to get thru every day, but do as best I can. I do see people & put a smile on my face, but inside it's a different story. I do breakdown in front of my friends occasionally, but on the whole I save it all for when I'm on my own.


I've got things in place now. A place for Jamie to be remembered, where I shall go too. My will is sorted & a funeral payment plan set up.
Don't ask me why but I know my days are numbered now.  I can't live with my heartache... I just want to be free from it all. I just wanted to make sure certain things were in order & by 15th June they will be, apart from one thing, but that is in the process of being made & is all paid for.


I know I have been selfish where one friend is concerned with two things I have asked of her but completely understand why she can't do either. If she reads this she'll know what it's about & hope she can forgive me for my requests. We are still close despite her not being able to do either & she has explained why, which I do completely understand. This is just a lil apology to her.


Basically I'm not coping at all, despite what people think. Sunday 5th June will be Jamie's birthday, a day I'm dreading in all honesty. I know however I seem on the outside, inside I'll be dying a lil bit more. The 15th will be even harder, but I know I'll be with family & friends who will support me.


These are the words of a broken person. Scared to carry on for much longer, but scared too to say farewell.
Whatever happens a huge thank you to all those who have been there for me, old friends & new.


There's so much more I want to write but for now, this is all I could manage.


Just wanted to share one of my favourite photos of myself & my one true love Jamie before I sign out.

Love you always Jamie. You will always be with me, in my thoughts, heart & soul. xxxxxxxx