Not Giving Up!!

Well I attempted to write some positive type of poetry but it's not really my style so thought I'd write something else instead.

I've had quite a good week on the whole. A few steady walks have been taken, not far but I'm slowly breaking myself back into the exercise thing. It's been a long time since I did anything worth talking about. Hopefully I'll feel more & more like it & eventually be back to doing my eight laps round the park where I live, that & healthy eating helped me lose the weight before.

My problem is that I still having that little voice at the back of head telling me I can't do it, I know I can it's just a case of finding my inner strength to push me along. I feel limited as to when I can go out as I don't people seeing me, so that either means early mornings or late on in the evening. I know it shouldn't make a difference but I have it engrained in my mind that if anyone were to see me they'd be sure to say something.

My Mother once said that I had a superiority complex cos what made me so special that people would want to talk about me. I guess she had a fair point. I don't think of myself as special in any way, shape or form. I'm sure people are too busy with their own goings on to even notice me, but as I'm so self concious I can't help but feel the negative.

I'm not giving up though even if I do have to suffer these negative thoughts, I know they'll turn to positive ones eventually!

I'm so ashamed of how I now look that I hide day after day under a duvet on the sofa so that I don't have to see my ever expanding belly & nor does Jamie, neither do the rare visitors we have. I hate it that feel I have to do this. If I could hide my face too. I know despite my weight & how I feel about myself, I'm still me & people accept me that way. They see beyond what I have become.

Of course there is my friend DK whom has always been a constant support to me & Liane too.

Anyway enough of the me being negative about myself.

I'm having a lot more contact with my children, mainly my daughter. I love our long chats I'm getting to know her all over again & I actually feel like a Mum, rather than just a voice at the end of the phone.

I also celebrated my birthday this week. I dread birthdays now I'm in my forties, but I had some lovely cards & presents & as always Jamie waited on me hand & foot. I felt thoroughly spoilt, which is always a good thing. Then again Jamie is good at doing that sort of thing. He gives me a reason for living & not wanting to give up on life like I used to. I'm more expressive about my good feelings. I read my old poetry the other day & it was all so angry. I'm looking forward to when I can write more positively but as it's something I've not done before it could take some time but again I've not given up on the idea.

Well it's 4.30am & although not tired I feel for now that I've not got a lot else to say, other than a big thank you to my friends DK, & Liane who are always there for me no matter what. I don't let anyone in to my true thoughts but I know these are three people I can always count on.

I hope to write again soon & be a lot more positive about everything.

That's all folks. Thanks for taking the time to read.

Something I Treasure

This poem was written for by my very dear friend Liane. She has a way with words. She sent me an email earlier on in comment to my last entry that certainly touched my heart.

Anyway many years ago I changed my name by deed poll from Alex to Lexi, also my surname. Through different periods of my life it had been a nickname & I preferred it. So when I'd done the deed Liane wrote this poem for me. With what I had written earlier I felt this was appropriate & something to look at to give me a kick up the backside.

For Lexi

You once were Alex, scared, confused, messed in the head

But renewed & refreshed as Lexi, the Alex part dead.

You're an inspiration to everyone you meet

And now is your time, the world at your feet.

Your spirit is strong, contagious, infectious,

Your nature is kind, loving & generous.

You have so much love for those you know

Your troubled littered past doesn't show.

There was a time when you were consumed with self hatred & guilt

But now your spirit & confidence are more strongly built.

You have inner strength beyond comprehension,

You've fought through pain, hurt & tension.

Now is your time to blossom & grow,

You're heaven sent, an angel you know!

See yourself as we all do,

An inspiration through & through.

Create your future, you can't change the past,

But learn what you can cos things can change fast.

There's so much out there waiting for you

You're one person this world don't want to lose.

But when you do leave this earth

Whether taken by God or worse,

I want you always to know this...

Your love & person will be sorely missed.

This was written back in 2003 & a year later, on the date that my deed poll became effective, Liane threw a first birthday party for me. Something I will treasure for many years to come.

I'm lucky to have the friends I do. I only let certain people in to my deepest & darkest secrets. My closest friends are all very different, but I love each & everyone of them for their uniqueness. Even my newest friend Mollie.

For those I've had for many years I just want to thank you for sticking by me, for not giving up on me even when I've given up on myself.

Thanks Liane for this poem & the other ones you've written for me. Also for the crazy things you've done for me over the years to make me smile.

Anyway that's it for now. Hope you enjoyed reading. xx

Fat, Fatter, Fattest. Time For Change.

Another week is nearly over & to be honest I've not really accomplished much. I have spent a lot of time thinking.

I'm not happy with myself in so many ways. I think I judge myself & think the worst before anyone has said anything to me.

I think it all stems from when I was growing up. People used to make jokes about my maiden name & also the way I pronounced things, instead of baff (bath) I'd say barf & so on. I even had a friend when I was little trying to teach me how to say it like the locals. Because of this I felt like I was an outsider, felt I wasn't accepted for me. And so the cycle began. Trying to fit in, always aware of how I spoke or looked.

I've had two friends who have made comments to me that have made me think & to a degree put me off from wanting to see them. One said " My husband doesn't like fat people " & another " I can't be doing with ugly people ". I find both comments extremely shallow, ok someone may be overweight but it doesn't make them a bad person, there could be several reasons as to why someone is overweight. Mine is combination of several factors. I take a lot of medication & also with my agoraphobia I don't get enough exercise to help me burn of the calories. Admittedly there is stuff I can do round the house but it doesn't need doing everyday & also due to my depression I don't always feel up to things. A lame excuse I know but at least I'm truthful about it.

As to the ugly comment, again a shallow comment. Who are we to judge whether someone is ugly. Everyone has a beauty about them, no one is perfect, we all have good & bad within us.Due to these comments, although I can rationalise it for others I don't see it in myself.

Even when I weighed eight stone I still saw myself as fat & I don't like looking in the mirror any more.The only time I have felt good is when I'd met Jamie & he just accepted me for me & I weighed eleven stone. I was having an extremely manic episode so didn't really care about anything. Although still overweight for my height I could get into a size 12 so was happy enough with that. My weight was stable & I was happier than I'd been in years, even though it took Jamie six months to realise he wanted a relationship with me, we still had fun when we did see each other & I wouldn't trade that for anything.

Then a psychiatrist, who was just standing in for my usual one, decided it would be a good idea to change my meds & so the weight went on no matter how much exercise I did. So the more weight I put on the uglier I felt. Because of the comments that had been made I felt I was not worthy of anyone's love or attention & so a long term depression set in. To a degree I'm still in it now. My agoraphobia stems from this too.
I don't like crowded areas at the best of times & get sent into a panic. Now with how I look I think people are talking about me, judging me, wondering what on earth Jamie is doing with me. So to stay in & shut myself away from the world is the safest option for me. Even going to see friends has become a no no as I'm too embarrassed/ashamed for them to see me as I am now. Deep down I know they won't judge me, but I want to be on the safe side.I know I have to do something about it sooner rather than later as it's already a problem.

I can't walk far without either having pains in my back or just basically being out of breath. Jamie's constantly trying to encourage me to go out, just for a short stroll & slowly build me up. I feel though I should be able to walk a decent distant & because I know I can't, I've kind of given up myself. Defeatist attitude!

Writing this down is making me think, it's about time I did do something. So that is my aim, even if it's only a little stroll to the end of the road, it's a start. A bloody scary one but a start nonetheless. So I guess from now I'm going to make a concious effort to sort myself out so I can start living properly again.

I'll post on my progress & my usual life, love & the universe. Wish me luck folks. I'll be back soon.

Past & Present

Well here I am again after what seems like quite some time. Lot's been happening but I won't go into all of it otherwise I'll be here all night.
I had some news the other Sunday that my father had died. I wasn't sure how to feel. I'd not seen him for 24 years & the last time I'd briefly spoken to him was 2002. We didn't have the best of relationships, which I guess shows in the amount of time we'd not had contact.As children, my 3 brothers, sister & myself, didn't have the best of childhoods. Constant arguments & he wasn't scared to use his fists when he felt it necessary. One episode sticks in my head of how he was with me. My Mother was out & my father was sorting me out for going to bed, which involved me having a cup a tea to take with me. I was probably not much older than 5 years old, to be honest a lot of it all is very much a blur, but somewhere around that age.Anyway he made me this cup of tea, knowing I had two sugars. He gave me the drink & sent me upstairs with it.Halfway up the stairs I had a sip of tea & it tasted foul, he'd put salt in it instead of sugar. He shouted up the stairs after me to ask if my tea was alright. I responded that it was fine. The next thing I remember was being grabbed & being smacked. The reason being cos I'd lied to him, however if I'd told him the truth the punishment would have been the same. That was the problem, you could never win with him. That story has stuck with me all these years & I don't think I'll ever forget it.There many other incidents but I don't want this to be all about him & my weird relationship with him.Hearing he'd died though brought up a lot of the memories I had of him. I wasn't sure how I was supposed to feel & just felt very confused. However I'm moving on from that now, just sad that I didn't have a decent relationship that I could look back on with fond memories. At the end of the day he estranged himself from everyone.
On a better note I've been talking to my children a lot more, which has been a definite positive. I love my chats with my daughter, she reminds me of myself at that age, 16, apart from she doesn't have much of a social life due to the fact they really do live in the middle of nowhere in France. But we have a laugh & a joke as well as talking through the more serious stuff.She doesn't remember me really being in her life as I'd left before she turned 2 years old. I saw them, to start with, on a regular basis. Sadly after several hospital admissions & feeling severely depressed the contact dropped off a bit. I didn't want her or my boys to see me in the mess I'd become. They had enough to deal with, what with me not living with them. Thankfully my daughter & I talk over those times & she still loves me, which warms my heart. She has every right not to want to know me.My eldest is cool over everything too & we also have some good conversations & some laughs. Both he & my daughter know they can talk to me.My other son, at present, is a little reluctant to open up to me. I do understand why & naturally don't hold a grudge. We do chat, usually online, so that's a start. I love & miss all of them equally & can't wait for the day they come to visit. Eight years is a helluva lot to miss out on. They left as children but are coming back to see me as young adults. It's quite a scary thought.
I've had some good days recently, felt almost positive, for me that's an achievement. I've not spent everyday in the depths of despair. The only thing really getting me down is my agoraphobia. I keep hoping I'll wake up & feel this is the day that I can take that first step out into the big wide world & appreciate it for what it is, especially where I live. I know many would love to live where I do. I know it will pass but it's just a matter of when. If I force myself to do it I know it won't be successful. I have to have my mind & body ready to be able to do it & I also I know it will come in time. The waiting is hell though. Why don't I just do it I hear you cry, trust me if I could I would have. I don't enjoy the life of a recluse.
On a good note I having been trying to be a better friend to my dearest friend DK. He's not been having such a good time & is going through some changes of which I'm trying to be supportive. I love that I can kind of give out advice to him rather than him constantly having to take care of me. Whether I'm doing any good I'm not sure but at least I'm trying.I'm really happy one of my other dear friends, I call her my unbiological sister, is online now. I should be able to keep a bit more up to date with things. I can't remember the last time I saw her & although I know she accepts me for me, whatever, I'm ashamed of how I am, how I look & my negative feelings. She's always upbeat & has a beautiful nature inside & out. She does have her bad days but it never lasts for long & she's able to rationalise everything & get back to her bubbly self. She's not had things easy over the years but she copes amazingly.I have one friend very dear to my heart, who is sadly going through a tough time. I was thinking of her a lot today. I was debating deleting myself off Facebook earlier on. Something she has done. It can be a very lonely place at times, especially when you're feeling down. After some consideration I decided against doing this as it helps in some ways with my agoraphobia, keeps me in touch with some of my friends that I don't have regular contact with.
My sleep is still all over the place, I just grab it when I can. I've about given up on my social worker, she was supposed to ring me today about coming out on a visit, but failed to do so. I did ring about half an hour before she was supposedly due & said as she'd not rung to confirm I really didn't feel up to seeing her. Just felt like staying under my duvet & shutting myself off from the world. I think it did do me some good as I'm feeling in a better place head wise so maybe I am better off without her, but I know I still need someone plus my psychiatrist, but she never seems to have time for me. I'm lucky I have the friends that I do, old & new, who help me through things.
I'm happy with life, generally. I'm lucky to have Jamie. He's my rock & really does support me even though at times he gets frustrated with how I am. He knows how much I want to be out & doing things outside, but he's says he's happy to wait til I feel I can actually cope with it all. I feel for him as when we were first together I was loving going out & doing different things. We used to go on some beautiful walks together & just enjoy the countryside. I miss it all so much & feel bad for Jamie as he's having to do all outside things on his own. I need to get sorted for so many reasons, but really my main one, other than for myself, I need & want to do it for Jamie.
I do have plenty to be thankful for. There are plenty who are worse off than me, but when I'm in the depths of my despair I can't think like that.
Anyway it's early hours of Thursday morning so I guess it's time I should sign off.Thank you for those of you have taken the time to read. I'll try & write more regularly.

A Quick Update

I felt it was about time I sat down & wrote something in here as it has been sometime.

Well life hasn’t been too bad to me all round. There’s been the odd up & down but I’ve dealt with them in my stride.

I’ve been having some long chats online & on the phone, mainly to my eldest son & my daughter. My other son now lives at his girlfriends, now only returning home occasionally much to my eldest son & daughter disgruntlement. But teenagers are as they are.

I love chatting with my daughter, we can share so many stories & she understands about my depression, definitely a step forward. Also we share a lot of things in common. She’s so loving & caring & has happily accepted Jamie as her “step daddy” which is a definite bonus.

My eldest son has been having a lot of problems with different things but we helped out as much as we could. Again I love having my chats with him. He & Jamie pretty much like the same things so no doubt when they do get to meet they’ll have plenty to say….. Both of them can a talk a lot!!!!

My younger son, well I only to get to talk to him when he’s online. I think he

finds it a bit hard talking with me as me leaving hit him the hardest & he came quite introverted. Also with him living at his girlfriends Mothers & working it isn’t always that easy. Plus he finds it easier to talk online.

So that’s my`children’s news in brief.

Jamie is now writing a blog about his past experiences but he’s writing them rap style. It’s amazing how quickly he does them. If you want to check them out you’ll find it at http://jamiefive.blogspot.com/.

I’ve not been sleeping too well again but Jamie sits up with me to keep me company, making me cups of tea when needed. I don’t know what ’d do without him.

On the whole life has been good for me. I’ve enjoyed doing the things that I’ve done.

I had a lovely day out last Tuesday & went to visit one of my oldest friends DK. It was good to catch up & a laugh. I even let her take a few photos of me. We are actually going to have a day where we spend a day of him taking different photos of me, which I’m looking forward to. Hopefully they’ll be some decent ones that I’ll be able to put up on here.

I’m pleased to say that one of my dearest friends depression seems to have lifted so looking forward to catching up with her. On a sadder note two of my friends are desperately hurting, both in different ways but my thoughts are with them.

Talking of friends I’ve been discovering who my real friends are. I’m tired of those who use me & just want me there for their convenience, yet when I need them they’re nowhere to been seen. So I’ve binned them for the time being & see how it feels when I ignore them & see if they get the idea.

It may seem slightly childish but this has been going on with these two particular friends for years & I just got tired of it. Anyway I’ll just have to wait & see what happens.

My biggest thing at the moment is trying to learn to be happy with myself, in everyway. Not an easy thing for me cos I’ve always been good at beating myself up over one thing or another. However I’m getting a little better at it as time goes on.

One day I might actually be able to say that I am happy with who I am & see what other people see in me, but it’s going to take some time.

Anyway enough for now folks. Thanks for reading xx