True Friendship

I actually wrote this piece several years ago but the friendship remains the same, other than a name change on both our parts & new relationships. Sorry it's a bit long but couldn't make it shorter cos of what I had to say...

Here is where I want to write about what true friendship is all about.

There are times when I look at my life & feel sad & alone, but I've been blessed with the greatest gift of all & that is a true friendship & comes from my dearest & beloved friend Kat.

We met when we were 11 years old at Hope Valley College, & in many ways she has never changed.

Her nature is as fresh as a crisp autumn morning & she radiates such warmth to all she meets. I instantly felt at ease with her.

I think we were always meant to be friends...

Not long after we first met, she told me how she & her family were moving to Bakewell. The strange thing was only a few weeks before this my Mother had told me that we were all going to have to move. The house we lived in then was too big for my Mother to keep going, as her & my Father had divorced several years previously & there was only me & my youngest brother living at home on a permanent basis & the village we lived in held no job prospects for my Mother, & in many ways we were quite isolated.

The even stranger thing was that the house my Mother was interested in was also the one that Kat's family were thinking of buying... For whatever reason my Mother changed her mind about it & Kat's family bought it. Several weeks later another one came on the market that my Mother did decided to go for & ended up buying & even better it was only 4 doors down from Kat's...!

However Kat left before the end of the school year, but I knew we would be reunited in the September in Bakewell.

As Kat had been there for several months before me, she had naturally made friends &, as always, welcomed me with open arms & introduced me to everyone, again making me feel at ease & safe.

Her generousity has always been endless, whether it is imparting with her vast knowledge of life & the universe,  sharing her life with others or breaking the last biscuit in the packet so everyone could have some. I don't think anyone could measure up to her.

I think it was because (although at that point it was never spoken about) we had both suffered a lot of emotional turmoil, that we were drawn together but we had our own seperate friends & after a while didn't spend as much time together.

Then her family moved again & although she was still attending the same school we did see much of each other at all.

I then left for boarding school at the end of the 3rd year, ready for doing my 'O' levels & that was the end... or so I thought.

After 4 years of being in York, & just coming home for holidays, I returned to Bakewell where I met my now ex husband Chris.

Things were ok, though I had my bad days as I'd been diagnosed with depression whilst at school & had been on medication for it.

Anyway Chris & I settled down bought a house & spent all our time working to keep the mortgage paid & the rest of the time renovating the house.

We then married on my 21st birthday & when I was 22 I had my first born Zach.

When Zach was about 8 months old I went back to work, just part time in the local video shop & it was there that Kat & I were reunited.

It had been the usual busy Friday night & I'd been doing the usual of serving the customers & then we had a slight lull. For some reason my eyes were drawn to a section of the shop & even tho' she had her back to me I knew it was Kat! I waited 'til she had made her selection & had come to the counter before I let her see me... We had so much news to catch up on but just did a brief history. It turned out she'd had Kirsty, who was then 4, & also Anthony, who was a month older than Zach, so we exchanged phone numbers & promised to keep in touch. We used meet up & take Zach & Anthony to the *Mother & Toddler* swim thing occasionally & as I could drive every now & again I would call in & see her. I didn't live too far away but it wasn't an easy bus route, & definitely too far to walk, so was easier for me to visit her.

Then sadly the relationship she was in wasn't working out, so once again she moved, so our contact tended to be by phone.

Then Chris & I moved & I fell pregnant with Jordan. Kat & I remained friends, even if it was by phone & then when she passed her driving test & would call round to see me.

She, as per usual, was working hard at Uni but when she had a bit of free time would call round for a coffee. It tended to be a Wednesday. She had told me of some guy she'd met & one Wednesday when I heard the doorbell ring, I knew it was her, but this time she was calling to let me know that she wouldn't be calling in as usual as her & Wayne were spending the day together.

Once again I was reminded of how thoughtful she was. It wasn't a set in stone thing that we had that arrangement of seeing each other on that day & she could have quite easily just left it or phoned me, but no, she called to tell me in person.

I was actually pregnant with Liberty by this time & by the time she'd been born Kat & Wayne had moved in together & only 5 minutes away, so every now & then I'd call round to visit them.

Sadly things hadn't been going to well between myself & Chris & Kat was the friend I turned to. As always she was there to help & when Chris & I had a blazing row & I walked out at 7.30am one June morning it was Kat that I rung to ask if she'd come & fetch me. She did so & took me back to hers where we sat & talked, & she said even then she thought I was suffering with depression (& I'd never told her about my previous bout when I'd been at school). But she talked me into ringing Chris so we could talk things over, but he still found it difficult to understand.

So life ticked on & I wasn't happy but I'm sure there was someone looking down on me, as Kat & Wayne (who by this point had married) wanted to move & the house diagonally oppposite ours became available. And once again Kat & I were neighbours.

We spent many a happy hour together, whether it be during the day or quite often in the evening over a bottle or two of wine. We even used to talk on the phone, I could stand in my backyard & she'd lean out of her bedroom window & we chat quite happily... it would have been easier (& cheaper) to shout across to each other... but hey we just had our crazy times...

We also had problems saying goodbye to each other & at times it could take up to half an hour as we'd sing a verse or two from all the goodbye songs we knew, & trust me we knew a few...

I was dreadfully unhappy in my life & it was Kat who was there to help me thru' those bad days.

I guess in some ways we looked out for each other, tho' she was always the wise one, whereas I'd crack a joke & hide behind my mask, quite often using alcohol to block out the pain I was feeling.

Sadly things between Chris & I didn't work out & I ended up moving out, although I did go back everyday to look after the children.  I went to live with my Mother, which was a very bad idea. I'd only been there 10 days when she asked me to move out. I was at a loss at what to do but Kat took me in & looked after me. She knew I wasn't well, even tho' at that point I wouldn't admit it...

Then in January 1996 I had a major breakdown & ended up being hospitalised for 8 weeks.

There were very few days that Kat didn't visit, sometimes it was just for half an hour & many a time she left me with tears in her eyes... I never really did understand why, but I now can see how ill I was & how heartbreaking it was for her to see me in such a state.

She was one of the few people I could truly trust & when the flashbacks started it was her that I turned to.... She was over to see me as fast as she could be & I remember her holding me as I cried & told her things I'd never dared to share with anyone before. When the psychiatrist came to see me it was her that became my voice when I couldn't speak & explained to him what had happened.

And so it was, I knew then I would always be safe if she was with me.

However we both still had our own lives to lead & whilst in hospital I made the decision to move away & go & live in Birkenhead as I had friends up there, & I needed some serious time out... 

Again it was Kat who came to my aid & took me up there once I'd been discharged from hospital. We reverted back to having to rely on the phone for our contact.

Then one night I fell into real crisis where I started to self harm & although I had friends in the block of flats where I lived, I knew there was only really one person who could talk me out of doing any serious damage, so 2am I'm on the phone to Kat telling her what I'd done & she spent over 2 hours talking to me & then at around 4.30am she said she was going to have to go. I went into panic mode until she explained the reason she was going was so she could drive up to be with me & help me. By 7am she was with me & by 8.30am she'd got me an appointment at my GP's.

Again she was there to help & explain things that I'd not always been able to get across & my GP agreed that I needed to be seen by a psychiatrist & sent us off to Arrowe Park hospital.

After quite a few hours of hanging around I was seen & there was talk of me being admitted to the unit up there but thankfully I managed to avoid it, on the proviso that I came back the next day to have a better talk with someone, naturally I agreed, but Kat had her own family to think about, so after taking me home & having a cup of coffee she set off on her journey home. I'll never forget all she did for me in those hours & once again I realised how lucky I was (am still am) to have her as a friend.

Anyway more time passed & the contact never stopped. Then one day I discovered I was pregnant & as I'd been sterilised 2 years previous it was a quite a shock & the relationship I was in wasn't a particularly healthy one...

Since I'd been living up in Birkenhead I'd not spoken to my Mother, as I couldn't handle how she'd been with me, & we still have unresolved issues even now. But on this occasion I found myself turning to her & coming back down to Derbyshire. She was still the same with me, tho' she was happy for me to stay. However the next morning she had a meeting that was supposed to last all day, so 5 minutes after she left I found myself taking an overdose. For whatever reason my Mother's meeting was cancelled & she returned home to find me out cold & apparently looking very grey.

The next thing I remember is coming round in A & E, & then my Mother saying now that I was ok she needed to go as she had another meeting to attend.

A nurse came into see me & I asked her if there was a phone I could use... she showed me where & I groggily staggered over & rang Kat to tell her what had happened. I guess then I must have passed out again cos the next thing I knew Kat was there with me, & again helped me when I had to talk to the psychiatrist. Once again I was admitted, & again Kat was there for me.

I experienced a lot of strange things on this admission but they are going to be written about elsewhere.

Sadly, due to my mental state & the fact I was not capable of looking after myself, it was decided that I should have a termination... I'm still struggling to come to terms with it. Again Kat supported me.

I've had many admissions, & each & every one Kat has been there for me. To me she is my family, hence my reason for having listed as my next of kin.

I look back over the years, yes in many ways I'm stronger than I was & although I know basically the work has come from me, without the love & support of certain people, namely Kat, I wouldn't be sat here now.

She's rescued me many times, whether it be from overdosing or cutting myself so badly I've needed stitches. I know it's broken her heart on several occasions but not once has she given up on me, even tho' I've wanted to give up, she's given me that will to live & is teaching me that life can be fun.

I feel honoured to call her my friend & I know I'm blessed to have her as one.

Sadly, in some ways, her marriage to Wayne broke down & all I ever wished was that she would find true happiness.

But due to that break up she now has, & is surrounded by love & warmth that she, more than anyone I know, truly deserves. She knows which direction she's headed & it's definitely an upwards one.

I know one thing she does long for is to live by the sea & again I know it will be something that will happen one day. However I feel safe in knowledge no matter where she is our friendship is everlasting & she will always be there for me.

I wish I could give her as much as she has given me.

I feel a richer person for having her in my life.

I love you Kat. Be happy my friend, & I can never thank you enough for all that you have done & still do for me.

You've always been there to watch over me & you are my *Guardian Angel*.

~hugs~