Fat, Fatter, Fattest. Time For Change.

Another week is nearly over & to be honest I've not really accomplished much. I have spent a lot of time thinking.

I'm not happy with myself in so many ways. I think I judge myself & think the worst before anyone has said anything to me.

I think it all stems from when I was growing up. People used to make jokes about my maiden name & also the way I pronounced things, instead of baff (bath) I'd say barf & so on. I even had a friend when I was little trying to teach me how to say it like the locals. Because of this I felt like I was an outsider, felt I wasn't accepted for me. And so the cycle began. Trying to fit in, always aware of how I spoke or looked.

I've had two friends who have made comments to me that have made me think & to a degree put me off from wanting to see them. One said " My husband doesn't like fat people " & another " I can't be doing with ugly people ". I find both comments extremely shallow, ok someone may be overweight but it doesn't make them a bad person, there could be several reasons as to why someone is overweight. Mine is combination of several factors. I take a lot of medication & also with my agoraphobia I don't get enough exercise to help me burn of the calories. Admittedly there is stuff I can do round the house but it doesn't need doing everyday & also due to my depression I don't always feel up to things. A lame excuse I know but at least I'm truthful about it.

As to the ugly comment, again a shallow comment. Who are we to judge whether someone is ugly. Everyone has a beauty about them, no one is perfect, we all have good & bad within us.Due to these comments, although I can rationalise it for others I don't see it in myself.

Even when I weighed eight stone I still saw myself as fat & I don't like looking in the mirror any more.The only time I have felt good is when I'd met Jamie & he just accepted me for me & I weighed eleven stone. I was having an extremely manic episode so didn't really care about anything. Although still overweight for my height I could get into a size 12 so was happy enough with that. My weight was stable & I was happier than I'd been in years, even though it took Jamie six months to realise he wanted a relationship with me, we still had fun when we did see each other & I wouldn't trade that for anything.

Then a psychiatrist, who was just standing in for my usual one, decided it would be a good idea to change my meds & so the weight went on no matter how much exercise I did. So the more weight I put on the uglier I felt. Because of the comments that had been made I felt I was not worthy of anyone's love or attention & so a long term depression set in. To a degree I'm still in it now. My agoraphobia stems from this too.
I don't like crowded areas at the best of times & get sent into a panic. Now with how I look I think people are talking about me, judging me, wondering what on earth Jamie is doing with me. So to stay in & shut myself away from the world is the safest option for me. Even going to see friends has become a no no as I'm too embarrassed/ashamed for them to see me as I am now. Deep down I know they won't judge me, but I want to be on the safe side.I know I have to do something about it sooner rather than later as it's already a problem.

I can't walk far without either having pains in my back or just basically being out of breath. Jamie's constantly trying to encourage me to go out, just for a short stroll & slowly build me up. I feel though I should be able to walk a decent distant & because I know I can't, I've kind of given up myself. Defeatist attitude!

Writing this down is making me think, it's about time I did do something. So that is my aim, even if it's only a little stroll to the end of the road, it's a start. A bloody scary one but a start nonetheless. So I guess from now I'm going to make a concious effort to sort myself out so I can start living properly again.

I'll post on my progress & my usual life, love & the universe. Wish me luck folks. I'll be back soon.