Past & Present

Well here I am again after what seems like quite some time. Lot's been happening but I won't go into all of it otherwise I'll be here all night.
I had some news the other Sunday that my father had died. I wasn't sure how to feel. I'd not seen him for 24 years & the last time I'd briefly spoken to him was 2002. We didn't have the best of relationships, which I guess shows in the amount of time we'd not had contact.As children, my 3 brothers, sister & myself, didn't have the best of childhoods. Constant arguments & he wasn't scared to use his fists when he felt it necessary. One episode sticks in my head of how he was with me. My Mother was out & my father was sorting me out for going to bed, which involved me having a cup a tea to take with me. I was probably not much older than 5 years old, to be honest a lot of it all is very much a blur, but somewhere around that age.Anyway he made me this cup of tea, knowing I had two sugars. He gave me the drink & sent me upstairs with it.Halfway up the stairs I had a sip of tea & it tasted foul, he'd put salt in it instead of sugar. He shouted up the stairs after me to ask if my tea was alright. I responded that it was fine. The next thing I remember was being grabbed & being smacked. The reason being cos I'd lied to him, however if I'd told him the truth the punishment would have been the same. That was the problem, you could never win with him. That story has stuck with me all these years & I don't think I'll ever forget it.There many other incidents but I don't want this to be all about him & my weird relationship with him.Hearing he'd died though brought up a lot of the memories I had of him. I wasn't sure how I was supposed to feel & just felt very confused. However I'm moving on from that now, just sad that I didn't have a decent relationship that I could look back on with fond memories. At the end of the day he estranged himself from everyone.
On a better note I've been talking to my children a lot more, which has been a definite positive. I love my chats with my daughter, she reminds me of myself at that age, 16, apart from she doesn't have much of a social life due to the fact they really do live in the middle of nowhere in France. But we have a laugh & a joke as well as talking through the more serious stuff.She doesn't remember me really being in her life as I'd left before she turned 2 years old. I saw them, to start with, on a regular basis. Sadly after several hospital admissions & feeling severely depressed the contact dropped off a bit. I didn't want her or my boys to see me in the mess I'd become. They had enough to deal with, what with me not living with them. Thankfully my daughter & I talk over those times & she still loves me, which warms my heart. She has every right not to want to know me.My eldest is cool over everything too & we also have some good conversations & some laughs. Both he & my daughter know they can talk to me.My other son, at present, is a little reluctant to open up to me. I do understand why & naturally don't hold a grudge. We do chat, usually online, so that's a start. I love & miss all of them equally & can't wait for the day they come to visit. Eight years is a helluva lot to miss out on. They left as children but are coming back to see me as young adults. It's quite a scary thought.
I've had some good days recently, felt almost positive, for me that's an achievement. I've not spent everyday in the depths of despair. The only thing really getting me down is my agoraphobia. I keep hoping I'll wake up & feel this is the day that I can take that first step out into the big wide world & appreciate it for what it is, especially where I live. I know many would love to live where I do. I know it will pass but it's just a matter of when. If I force myself to do it I know it won't be successful. I have to have my mind & body ready to be able to do it & I also I know it will come in time. The waiting is hell though. Why don't I just do it I hear you cry, trust me if I could I would have. I don't enjoy the life of a recluse.
On a good note I having been trying to be a better friend to my dearest friend DK. He's not been having such a good time & is going through some changes of which I'm trying to be supportive. I love that I can kind of give out advice to him rather than him constantly having to take care of me. Whether I'm doing any good I'm not sure but at least I'm trying.I'm really happy one of my other dear friends, I call her my unbiological sister, is online now. I should be able to keep a bit more up to date with things. I can't remember the last time I saw her & although I know she accepts me for me, whatever, I'm ashamed of how I am, how I look & my negative feelings. She's always upbeat & has a beautiful nature inside & out. She does have her bad days but it never lasts for long & she's able to rationalise everything & get back to her bubbly self. She's not had things easy over the years but she copes amazingly.I have one friend very dear to my heart, who is sadly going through a tough time. I was thinking of her a lot today. I was debating deleting myself off Facebook earlier on. Something she has done. It can be a very lonely place at times, especially when you're feeling down. After some consideration I decided against doing this as it helps in some ways with my agoraphobia, keeps me in touch with some of my friends that I don't have regular contact with.
My sleep is still all over the place, I just grab it when I can. I've about given up on my social worker, she was supposed to ring me today about coming out on a visit, but failed to do so. I did ring about half an hour before she was supposedly due & said as she'd not rung to confirm I really didn't feel up to seeing her. Just felt like staying under my duvet & shutting myself off from the world. I think it did do me some good as I'm feeling in a better place head wise so maybe I am better off without her, but I know I still need someone plus my psychiatrist, but she never seems to have time for me. I'm lucky I have the friends that I do, old & new, who help me through things.
I'm happy with life, generally. I'm lucky to have Jamie. He's my rock & really does support me even though at times he gets frustrated with how I am. He knows how much I want to be out & doing things outside, but he's says he's happy to wait til I feel I can actually cope with it all. I feel for him as when we were first together I was loving going out & doing different things. We used to go on some beautiful walks together & just enjoy the countryside. I miss it all so much & feel bad for Jamie as he's having to do all outside things on his own. I need to get sorted for so many reasons, but really my main one, other than for myself, I need & want to do it for Jamie.
I do have plenty to be thankful for. There are plenty who are worse off than me, but when I'm in the depths of my despair I can't think like that.
Anyway it's early hours of Thursday morning so I guess it's time I should sign off.Thank you for those of you have taken the time to read. I'll try & write more regularly.