Not Giving Up!!

Well I attempted to write some positive type of poetry but it's not really my style so thought I'd write something else instead.

I've had quite a good week on the whole. A few steady walks have been taken, not far but I'm slowly breaking myself back into the exercise thing. It's been a long time since I did anything worth talking about. Hopefully I'll feel more & more like it & eventually be back to doing my eight laps round the park where I live, that & healthy eating helped me lose the weight before.

My problem is that I still having that little voice at the back of head telling me I can't do it, I know I can it's just a case of finding my inner strength to push me along. I feel limited as to when I can go out as I don't people seeing me, so that either means early mornings or late on in the evening. I know it shouldn't make a difference but I have it engrained in my mind that if anyone were to see me they'd be sure to say something.

My Mother once said that I had a superiority complex cos what made me so special that people would want to talk about me. I guess she had a fair point. I don't think of myself as special in any way, shape or form. I'm sure people are too busy with their own goings on to even notice me, but as I'm so self concious I can't help but feel the negative.

I'm not giving up though even if I do have to suffer these negative thoughts, I know they'll turn to positive ones eventually!

I'm so ashamed of how I now look that I hide day after day under a duvet on the sofa so that I don't have to see my ever expanding belly & nor does Jamie, neither do the rare visitors we have. I hate it that feel I have to do this. If I could hide my face too. I know despite my weight & how I feel about myself, I'm still me & people accept me that way. They see beyond what I have become.

Of course there is my friend DK whom has always been a constant support to me & Liane too.

Anyway enough of the me being negative about myself.

I'm having a lot more contact with my children, mainly my daughter. I love our long chats I'm getting to know her all over again & I actually feel like a Mum, rather than just a voice at the end of the phone.

I also celebrated my birthday this week. I dread birthdays now I'm in my forties, but I had some lovely cards & presents & as always Jamie waited on me hand & foot. I felt thoroughly spoilt, which is always a good thing. Then again Jamie is good at doing that sort of thing. He gives me a reason for living & not wanting to give up on life like I used to. I'm more expressive about my good feelings. I read my old poetry the other day & it was all so angry. I'm looking forward to when I can write more positively but as it's something I've not done before it could take some time but again I've not given up on the idea.

Well it's 4.30am & although not tired I feel for now that I've not got a lot else to say, other than a big thank you to my friends DK, & Liane who are always there for me no matter what. I don't let anyone in to my true thoughts but I know these are three people I can always count on.

I hope to write again soon & be a lot more positive about everything.

That's all folks. Thanks for taking the time to read.