The Battle Begins

I'm trying to write in here more regularly, mainly to keep a reminder of how I'm feeling & where I'm at with the world...


Got so much going off in my head though it's hard to know where to begin, so this actually could take some doing.


I saw my psychiatrist the other week, thankfully he is a lovely bloke who I am able to talk to. With my sleep being so crap, my anxiety levels not good & constant racing thoughts, he put me back on Quetiapine, which does do it's job but I don't want to become reliant on it.
Also my social worker is amazing. I can truly open up to her & share my thoughts & fears of my future. Now that everything is over where Jamie is concerned, as in I've set up his memorial page Jamie Jon Hylton, where people are able to visit & leave stories, thoughts, photos & music & also the interment of some of his ashes has been done, she feels this is now the time to start worrying about me. She feels now I don't have a focus as such I could be on dangerous ground. Got to admit I'm with her on this one. 


I can't believe it's 9 months since his farewell service... I can still see it all as clear as day, yet it still doesn't seem real. I'm still receiving messages from people offering their condolences & it's been good in many ways to catch up with some of his old friends & talk about many different things, some of them really are helping me, making me think about my future too & how to deal with certain issues.


I know I'm lucky in many ways. I have the love of my friends but sometimes it isn't enough. 
They all have their own lives to lead in so many different ways, that I feel I'm being a burden. None of them has said this but that's how I feel. It's a lonely, painful path I'm leading. My world has stopped & everyone carries on around me. Don't get me wrong I'm not expecting anyone to be there for me 24/7. I want everyone to be doing their own thing & I'm glad that those truly important to me do have things in their life, so when it does come my time to leave here their lives will be able to carry on as normal. 
By saying this does not mean I'm making plans to end my life, just that I know that my loved ones will have things to keep them going when I do go.
This is something I am lacking. 
The majority of my time is spent alone, with just my thoughts to contend with. I don't want sympathy, I guess it's more a case of people being aware that I am in pain. I am lost. There's nothing or nobody that can take that away.
Yeah I smile & laugh but inside I am dead & just so so tired of fighting a losing a battle, but I've not given up just yet.


I've just had my living room decorated, so I have had that to focus on, getting it all how I want... only a few more bits to add then it'll be complete, so it will be a case of finding something else to focus on, but it is hard when your life has been torn into a million pieces.


Maybe for now I shouldn't continue writing. I should wait until I can write more positively, just sometimes I need to get these things out, then in 6 months time I can read back on this & see how far I have come & what I have achieved.


So that's it for now. xxx