My thoughts have been very much all over the place. With this happening it's made it very difficult to properly concentrate on things & my sleep has been pretty poor. Hopefully though the sleep thing will soon be sorted as I'm being put back on my old friend Quetiapine, which usually does tend to knock me out. Something I'm desperately needing at the moment. At least when I'm asleep I have no worries & out of the pain that I'm still experiencing.
Jamie's plaque was finally put in place on Friday & on Sunday, which was his birthday, I spent a good few hours sitting next to it... talking to him in my own way. I was joined by a few of his family but more importantly for me my two best friends DK & Liane.
Just got the little service to have now to place some of his ashes with it. The lovely Minister, who took Jamie's farewell service, will be there that day to say a few words, along with a few of Jamie's family, myself & a few of my chosen family, who were very close to Jamie also. Then it's just a matter of waiting for the kerb set to be put in place & it will be the perfect place of remembrance of such an amazing person who touched so many peoples lives in so many different ways.
So that aside, life is still a struggle. I am trying so hard each day to make the most of things, but it isn't easy.
I don't feel right in myself, can't explain why or how, just have a feeling of impending doom.
Depression is at an all time low, despite the smile I put on my face when I'm out & about. I don't know what I want any more.
In many ways I like my solitude but in others I like to be with certain people, but then when I am I wanting my solitude again.... I don't understand it myself, so don't expect anyone else to.
I'm going to start reading a book soon called Sunbathing in the Rain by Gwyneth Lewis...
The first paragraph of the introduction sums up depression that makes perfect sense to me...
"Every serious episode of depression is a murder mystery. Your old self is gone & in its place is a ghost that is unable to feel any pleasure in food, conversation or or in any of your usual forms of entertainment. You become a body bag. Moving a pile of books can take days, as the objects in the room have a stronger will than your own. You are both the corpse & the detective. Without alibis - work, a social life - there's nowhere to go. Your job is to find out which part of you has died & why it had to be killed."
Also this song has been making me think a lot of myself
Maybe for now I've said enough, so will sign out.
xxx
Just sending you love and hugs and support as always xxx
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