Broken

Well it's been some time since I was last here. There's been many times I've wanted to write but just haven't known what I want to say... there's so much & yet so hard to express it all.


Since Jamie passed on 12th Sept last year, life really hasn't been the same & never will be. There's not one day that he isn't in my thoughts, definitely plenty of 'what ifs' & why? And when I do manage to sleep it's with tears rolling down my face. I cry during the day too, thinking of all the happy times we shared & knowing that all I've got now are my memories, there's no more to be added to my life with the one person I truly loved & still love. No more hugs, no more kisses, no one to hold me at night & tell me life will be ok. 
The pain is unbearable... my heart is broken into a million pieces & it'll never be put back together again. I'm slowly dying inside. Most of me died that day in all honesty.
I'll never forget that knock on the door... I just knew who it was before I even opened the door & knew what I was going to be told. Of course I cried, but then I was just numb & in shock.
Whilst the police were still with me I rang DK, who came straight over from Chesterfield to be with me & I let them make the decisions for me. I didn't want to leave here but knew I wouldn't be safe if left on my own. A bag was packed but I don't know if I did it or DK. All I do remember is being taken over to Chesterfield & going to Jamie's Mum & sitting up with her all night. I know we cried together but I don't remember talking much, we were both were in severe shock.


The following morning  we were collected by the police to go to the hospital for me to identify the body. That image will stay with me forever.
I know on the Tuesday evening I became hysterical & rang the hospital wanting to see him again, but as the post mortem was being carried on the Wednesday morning I wasn't able to see him til lunchtime of that day.  just didn't want to believe it was real... I still don't.
You share four magical years & then it's taken away from you in a flash.


I will put my hands up & say we were having some problems, many of which I blame myself for... If only I'd tried harder & not giving up on things in the way I had, but I had fallen into a depression, not that that's an excuse, but it was only in the last couple of months of his life that things were more strained. But the fact I'd befriended a slag didn't help matters with her throwing herself at Jamie. Don't get me wrong I know it takes two to tango, but she made out she was a friend but obviously had a game plan from the beginning. I was warned by my friends about her but thru my own stupidity I took no notice. I sure as hell learnt the hard way. I'm being a lot more careful now, even tho I'm on my own now. 
I do still get very angry about her, especially the way she went off about everything, yet within a short few months she moved some bloke in & they're now married & she's expecting a baby. But then nothing really surprises me about her. 
She caused so much heartache in all sorts of ways, but she's got on with her life with no regard to anyone & this one wasn't the first she'd been with since Jamie dying. I can't & won't say her name but myself, close friends & Jamie's family refer to her as the slag!!


Anyway that aside, after his death I just went into auto pilot. Just dealing with the practicalities of everything. Sorting the funeral, talking to the lovely Minister who lead the service & dealing with paperwork etc.


Then there was the funeral to go thru. It was obvious by the amount of people who were there that Jamie was much loved & thought of. I know more would have been there had they'd known.
So many have said what a beautiful service it was...


It wasn't til I got back home, after trying to hold it together, from the funeral that everything hit home. I couldn't eat or sleep & ended up having a short stay in hospital.
Not sure if it was a good thing as it was where me & Jamie had met & of course the staff remembered him & also the two of us getting together. Some of them were unsure of what to say to me, but they all remembered Jamie with such fondness.


Sadly after my admission Jamie's Mum & I stopped talking. Both of us going thru our own personal grief, plus other factors, that I'm not going to go into here.
Thankfully we're back to normal now & trying our best to support one another.


So yeah, it's just myself now. Struggling to get thru every day, but do as best I can. I do see people & put a smile on my face, but inside it's a different story. I do breakdown in front of my friends occasionally, but on the whole I save it all for when I'm on my own.


I've got things in place now. A place for Jamie to be remembered, where I shall go too. My will is sorted & a funeral payment plan set up.
Don't ask me why but I know my days are numbered now.  I can't live with my heartache... I just want to be free from it all. I just wanted to make sure certain things were in order & by 15th June they will be, apart from one thing, but that is in the process of being made & is all paid for.


I know I have been selfish where one friend is concerned with two things I have asked of her but completely understand why she can't do either. If she reads this she'll know what it's about & hope she can forgive me for my requests. We are still close despite her not being able to do either & she has explained why, which I do completely understand. This is just a lil apology to her.


Basically I'm not coping at all, despite what people think. Sunday 5th June will be Jamie's birthday, a day I'm dreading in all honesty. I know however I seem on the outside, inside I'll be dying a lil bit more. The 15th will be even harder, but I know I'll be with family & friends who will support me.


These are the words of a broken person. Scared to carry on for much longer, but scared too to say farewell.
Whatever happens a huge thank you to all those who have been there for me, old friends & new.


There's so much more I want to write but for now, this is all I could manage.


Just wanted to share one of my favourite photos of myself & my one true love Jamie before I sign out.

Love you always Jamie. You will always be with me, in my thoughts, heart & soul. xxxxxxxx