Beginnings

Well I set this up the other day but it's only now I've got round to writing in it. This is a place where I'm going to share my present & past experiences, along with the odd bit of poetry I've written over the years.
Where to start...? My life has been a mixture of things, as many peoples are. I've suffered from depression from an early age, which at times is difficult to cope with even though I do have good insight into my illness. I've lost alot through it, which is something I'll go into at a later date, but has caused me much heartache.
I have periods of time where I'm too scared to leave the house. Scared I'll be ridiculed for how I look, even feeling that people know I have a mental disorder. My agoraphobia is pretty bad at the moment, I've not really been out since May 2009. A long time by anyone's standards but I'm used to it. Being trapped in my own home, a prisoner if you like.
I'm lucky that I'm blessed with wonderful friends & an amazing husband who support me through my bad times & rejoice with me when I'm feeling happier with life & realise there's more to it than thinking of ending it all. But this is how my life has been, a constant rollercoaster of emotions, never knowing how I'll feel from one day to the next. Depression is a cruel & horrible disease, unless you've really been there you can never totally understand, The term is used so lightly these days. You might be having an off day, so you say your depressed if only it were that simple.
I've taken many overdoses, seriously no longer wanting to carry on with my existence. I also used to self harm on a regular basis, my arms & legs are covered in scars, every one a reminder of how much I detested myself & life. Thankfully I've not overdosed or self harmed for 8 years but the feeling never leaves me. In times of distress all I want to do is reach for a blade & cut so deep just to relieve me from the pain I'm feeling inside. Again if you've not been there it's hard to explain or have you understand.
I am lucky at times cos I can reach a high. Although I'm not diagnosed with bipolar I do have characteristics of it. That can be the best feeling in the world. You feel you're invincible & nothing can touch or hurt you. Unfortunately I've been in a bit of a slump for a while, but hopefully I'll come out of it soon & regain the energy & love of life that I've lost at the moment.
So yeah that's a bit about me, the good, the bad & the ugly. Before I go I'll share a poem with you that was written about my agoraphobia & everyday struggles...

These Four Walls

All alone & sad,
Nothing to do but think.
These four walls
Have become my home.
Too scared to leave them.
Afraid of the outside
And all it holds.
This is my life,
A prisoner
In my own home.
Too tired to go on
Too tired to continue
With this life of misery.
Trapped in my mind
And body.
No longer want to go on
With this existence.
This pain will end
When I can close
My eyes
And not wake up
To this cruel world.
Lexi Hylton 2009