Frustrations

I woke this morning, after very little sleep, & saw the sun shining, making me feel like spring is not so faraway. I wish I felt I could get up & dressed & go outside & enjoy the crisp fresh air, but once again that fear is there... I'm just too scared to take those few steps outside & even sit in the garden. I sometimes wonder if this feeling will ever go. Deep down I know it will, it's just when. But it gets more frustrating as everyday passes. Every night before I go to sleep I make a promise to myself, that tomorrow will be the day when I wake up, get dressed & go for a short stroll. The problem is tomorrow never comes. I sit here day after day,in my pyjamas, hiding under my duvet, trying to cover, what I feel, my grotesque body. I think if I can't see it then maybe it's not that bad after all. I even put friends off from visiting, scared of how they will view me.
I wish, for once, I could be happy with myself & embrace life & what it has to offer. Then once again the feelings of worthlessness kick in. I begin to think what can I actually offer to the people that matter to me? I feel empty inside, to a degree devoid of emotion, apart from the dark blanket that envelops me, keeping me in this deep depression that I can't seem to shake off.
I take medication to supposedly help me, which includes two different antidepressants, a mood stabiliser, an antipsychotic & a sleeping tablet. You'd think with all that I'd wake up looking forward to the day ahead, but everyday is filled with dread.
I am proud to say I've not self harmed (including overdoses) for so long, but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of suicide or cutting myself. Even when I'm on a 'high' the feelings are still there. Cutting, for me, is like an adrenaline rush & there are times where I almost crave it. The only thing that helps me not doing it is having my husband Jamie, I don't want to hurt him with what would be a selfish act on my part. He's been so supportive & helps as best he can with how I'm feeling, but there's no one who can take these feelings away.
I punish myself on a daily basis about the breakdown of my first marriage & the fact my children live with my ex husband in France & have done for the past 8 years, & I've not seen them since they left, but that's a seperate story in itself.
I can't remember the last time I got dressed & actually went out to enjoy myself. Again I don't feel I deserve to. I feel I should be punished for past actions.
I do know there are people worse off than me, but when you're living this hell you can't see beyond it.
I hate it when people say "pull your socks up" or "you just need a kick up the bum". Again, if only it was that simple, there wouldn't be the need for psychiatric units. Somewhere that I've spent many months in. At the end of the day though the feelings don't go, it just keeps you safe for a period of time.
So many people don't understand mental disorders as it's something that can't been seen like a broken leg, & with that you know it will heal. I don't think you ever truly recover from depression, it's always there looming over you. You may feel better for awhile, but you never know when it's going to hit you again. I've not been free of it since I was 15 & I'm 42 now. It's become a lifestyle for me, in & out of hospital & then still struggling at home. But yeah I'm used to it now.
Anyways enough for now...