Wants & Needs

I wrote this piece many years ago when I was in hospital on yet another admission. Although back then it always work, I started using writing as an outlet. Hoping it would help stop the suicide attempts & the self harming. Obviously it didn't always work but it kind of gave me another focus.

I hope you enjoy reading, as I enjoy sharing.

I want to feel loved, wanted & special. I want to be held, kissed & touched as though I'm the only thing that's keeping the other person alive.

I want to be held at night when my nightmares start by someone who I know loves me for me, & not for their own sexual satisfaction.

Someone to wipe the tears away when life becomes unbearable & I just can't can't go on.

Someone to talk to & understand, to hold my hand or put their arms around me, to believe in me.

I want people to accept me for what I am & not judge me. To realise I am a person too.

I have feelings & a lot of people seem to forget that. I feel I'm an emotional punchbag.

So many people are happy to tell me their problems, but don't always have time for me.

And those who genuinely care I seem to push away, & not want to believe the good things they are saying about me.

I suppose I can't expect people to like or love me when I have so much hatred for myself.

A lot of people ask why I harm myself. There are several reasons; one is to get the badness out of me. Another is the need to feel pain so I know I am still in existence.

Pain/hurt is the only thing I've ever really known.

Although I want to be loved I have to feel pain to be able to feel good.

I know the say love hurts, but should it hurt like this?

I feel so trapped. I'm not who I want to be, but have to be.

I want these feelings of emptiness to go.

I need to feel fulfilled. I feel I've been stripped of everything & I'm not sure I'll ever regain what's been lost.

Please let me be me & let me be happy.

I need to see the sun rise in the morning & feel it's warmth upon my skin.

To feel the breeze gently blowing round me.

The rain to fall on my face & hide the tears that I so often shed.

I want to be able to give someone else the same as I want for myself.

I want to love & be loved.

Most of all I want to be free.

Free of the nightmares, the guilt, the shame, but most of all... me.

Lexi Hylton 1998