The Prisoner?

Well here I am again. Today I've thinking about my agoraphobia... It's a curse, a disabling curse.

I can't remember the last time I actually went out. I've had a little drive in the car, but as for going for a walk it must have been sometime before Christmas. Everyday I tell myself I'm going to go out but I never get round to it. Too scared to venture out in the big bad world. I hate it. I long for the days when I could go out on a regular basis, whether it was just for a drive or a nice walk in the countryside.

When me & Jamie first got together we used to go for some lovely long walks, taking in the fresh air & scenery. There were times we'd go up onto the Monsal trail & walk for hours talking about everything, then realise we'd covered a few miles & have to walk back. But I loved it, all of it. Best of all spending quality time with Jamie.

I then became physically unwell, which had a knock on effect & my mental health started to slip. I started to stop going out. Limited the the time I spent with my friends. Now I don't even see them. I get nervous when they say they're coming to see me & quite often think of an excuse as to why I can't see them. I do manage sometimes & when I do I do feel so much better for it.

My wish is to be able to chuck some clothes on & say " fuck it & let's go for a walk/drive " but I just can't do it now.

I think one of the reasons I get so frustrated is cos of what I used to be like. I could go anywhere & do anything. But my life, in that way, has changed so much.

Years ago nothing really phased me, I'd try almost anything. Yet now I even struggle to get dressed. The only time I get dressed now is if I've got an appointment & I have to leave the flat.

I wake most mornings (if I've slept) hating myself for being, how I see it, pathetic. At the end of the day what could happen to me if I did venture out? Nothing. People are out everyday & survive it so why can't I?

I feel I'm constantly letting Jamie down. He tries to encourage me day in day out, but again I find some kind of excuse not to do whatever he's suggested. I don't know how he puts up with me, I'm just thankful that he does.

I do get frustrated that Jamie blames himself for how I am, but none of it is his fault. I have struggled at different times with this " disease ". I do eventually come out of it but this time it has gone on for far too long & no matter how hard I have tried, on occasions, it's just not happening & I guess I'm beginning to give up now. It scares me that this is my life now & I can't see the end of it.

I long for the day when all these feelings go & I can lead a " normal " life, whatever " normal " is. I know everyone's normal is different but I don't know what my normal is any more. Does it mean I'm going to be trapped in my flat 'til my dying day? I do long to go outside & feel & taste the fresh air.

I could cry sometimes about it, but then what's that going to do? It's not going to change the situation.

I want so many things in my life to change, & I know it's only me that can change it but I no longer know if I'm capable of doing it. I hate this feeling of defeat.

It's times like these when my depression & self harm thoughts come into my mind. It seems like the only way forward. I guess that's kind of sad really.

I'm not wanting sympathy, just understanding. Is that too much to ask for?

I spoke to my daughter, who's 16, last night online. She'd read my ' Wants & Needs ' piece & as she's in a band & quite often writes the lyrics as well as composing the music, she's going to try & turn it into a song. The band is called The Noble Clowns & you can find them on You Tube & Blip.fm. Or check out their website http://www.thenobleclowns.skyblog.com/. They consist of my daughter, my younger son & a friend of theirs.

I've not seen them for just over eight years, as they live in France & my agoraphobia has prevented me from visiting them. There is a possibility they may come for a visit but just the thought of seeing them again, after all this time, has sent me into panic mode. Ridiculous I know but this is how I am now. Scared of life & what it could possibly hold for me.

I guess it'll just have to the ' one day at a time ' type thing. But that's the problem I start to worry about things before they happen & guess that what prevents me from going out & enjoying myself. I'm constantly saying over & over in my mind " what if...".

I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes. Maybe I am, who knows. Maybe it's just some kind of punishment I'm getting for the stuff I've done in the past, especially where the children are concerned. But that's a whole different story, which I will share at some point.

I guess for now I will just have to cope as best I can with my thoughts & feelings & keep plodding on & see what happens & hope things will improve.

Well I guess that's me done for now. Thanks for taking the time to read.