A Feeling Of Loss.

The last few days for me have been very up & down. Lost in thoughts over many things. Thinking of self harm & suicide. Failure. Loss.

All these things are never far from my mind, some days though worse than others. I guess this is true for all of us.

I think the fact I've not slept properly for the past week, & barely eaten, hasn't helped. Also no energy, just sitting about doing very little. This is just how it is sometimes for me, especially when I'm not feeling my best. I love it when I'm on a "high", I have no appetite or need to sleep but I enjoy the feeling of being alive & want to be out there doing the things that most people do everyday. My agoraphobia is really at it's worse at the moment. It's been many years that it was this bad. I know it will pass, it's just a matter of when.

So while I've been up & awake I've had more time to think... I love the fact I've got my little laptop, it gives me another distraction & being on Facebook has been a good way to catch up with old friends, plus make a few new ones along the way.

One of the really good things to come out of it is I now have another way of being in touch with my children. I have three, sadly one of them at the moment has mixed emotions about me. It hurts but can totally understand why.

I think part the reason I've been feeling the way I do is the fact I've not seen them grow up, not been there for the first days at school or other school events, well life events really. Not been there to see them bring their first girlfriends home, my daughter's not bothered about a boyfriend yet. Hearing stories of what they've been up to.

Of course we speak on the phone but it's not the same as being there & sharing the experiences.

As I said we're kinda back in contact through the internet & all of a sudden I'm seeing photos of them, hearing things they've been up to. It's just hard being a mother & having no real knowledge of the lives you've brought into this world.

I hate myself for not being there for them & giving them what they needed. Their father has done a fantastic job of bringing them up alone, with very little help, especially when they moved to France. The only wish I have is that he could have brought them back once in a while. But again I can understand, not just the monetary side of things, why this hasn't happened.

I feel I don't deserve to have good things happen to me, when they have had so little. I feel I don't deserve to live, but what would they think if I did go ahead & kill myself. So then there's the self harm, but again my body is covered in visible ones, & of course there are the mental ones too. How would this affect three innocent lives who never asked for any of this?

I feel I've failed as a mother & failed at life in general. Feel there is no point in any of it as I'm sure, somewhere a long the line I'll fuck again.

I miss them all with a vengeance but in the same breath I'm scared to see them again. I don't know if I could cope with it after eight years of being apart.

So life, again, has become a battle for me. I take all the medication I'm prescribed but none of it takes these feelings away & I guess it never will. I just have to keep learning to live with the situation, but days like these it doesn't get any easier.

I guess for now that's all folks.