Self Suffering

Life is so strange at the moment. Having my netbook, that Jamie bought for me, has in many ways been a godsend & has opened up new opportunities for me. It's given me a place to write about my feelings & experiences. Also Facebook, where I've been able to catch up with old friends & make new ones. But mainly it's given me a way of being able to keep in touch with my children, well two of them at least.
Sadly I've not seen my three kids for just over eight years. The reason being they live in France with my ex husband. Every year I've hoped they'll come back for a visit but, as of yet, it's never happened.
I guess here is where I tell you why they're not with me & live so far away...

As you know, if you've read my previous posts, I've suffered with with depression for the majority of my life & after my daughter was born, the youngest after two sons, my depression kicked in so badly that I felt I could no longer cope with life. My thoughts were consumed with those of suicide & self harm.
I struggled on as best I could but each day got progressively worse. I no longer felt happy with anything, let alone my marriage. I was weak in character in many ways back then. To a degree now I have found some inner strength from somewhere.
I wanted to sit my husband down & explain about my battles & demons, but was too scared to. When I did try on one occasion he branded me as "mad" & told me to get myself to my GP, someone whom I had known for years & trusted, but still felt unable to confide in.
Several months pasts & I met someone who I found solace in, & was also going through a bad time in his marriage. One thing lead to another & although I'm not proud of what happened, we ended up having an affair.
It had been going on for three weeks when I felt I could no longer carry on the deception & felt I had to come clean to my husband. It wasn't an easy thing to do but I knew it had to be done.
Naturally he wasn't happy & wanted me out as soon as possible. I couldn't blame him.
It was difficult & I moved from place to place & due to this I left the children in their family home with their father. I wanted them to have stability, not moved from pillar to post & also I wasn't capable of looking after myself, let alone three young children. I did go back to the family home everyday to look after them & to do the housework, but at 5.30pm I would leave once their father got home from work & then I'd return the next morning, apart from weekends.

Already severely depressed the whole situation was making me worse & knew I was getting close to the point of harming myself in some way
I did go to the doctors, on a Saturday morning, crying for help. The next thing I knew I had a psychiatrist coming to see me. He suggested I went into hospital for some respite & obviously to keep myself safe from self harming.
This was the first of many admissions, some for respite & some because I had overdosed & had no longer wanted to live. A feeling I still suffer from.

Due to all of this I handed sole custody over to my husband. It was a hard decision but thought it was for the best. The thing is with the children I couldn't explain to them what was happening, they were too young to understand. I vowed to myself when they were old enough I would explain to them about it all.

For many years I was on self destruct. My husband & I had divorced & the children were settled & had stayed with him.
I was allowed to see them, but there were weekends where I felt too ill to & I let them down on so many occasions. I did feel guilty but didn't think too much about it. I was self consumed with my own thoughts & feelings. Constantly in & out of hospital. It was no life for anyone.

I think after years of the children seeing me going through this & my now ex husband having to try & explain things to them on a regular basis, he felt enough was enough & wanted to get them away from anymore suffering. Sadly he chose to move as faraway as he could. But cos of how I was I wasn't strong enough to fight the decision & felt they would have a better life anyway.
I did ring them but only when I felt I could handle it, not really taking into consideration what they needed. That's the problem with depression, you become self absorbed.

Years have passed & I have been able to explain certain things to my eldest son & my daughter, but they've understood & have forgiven me. They've admitted it was hard growing up but they adjusted & are happy to be in touch with me again, which thanks to Facebook, they can be. It's just my middle child I worry about. In all honesty I can't remember the last time I spoke to him. Even if he's been home he's not wanted to talk to me.
I did have a long chat with my eldest son about things not so long ago & he basically told me that my other son doesn't want to know me & probably never will. I know things could change but at the moment the pain is cutting me like a knife. I may as well get a blade & cut myself cos at least then I'd get some satisfaction of pain. It would never compensate the pain that my son feels, but it would give me a sense of relief for a short period of time. However there's not much room left on my arms for me to cut, without going over old scars. But I want & need a new one so I do have a constant reminder of how deeply I've hurt one of my children.
Yeah I know things could change over the years, but that's no consolation for now. The pain & guilt eats away at me everyday, even more now than it did before. He won't even acknowledge that I'm his mum on Facebook.
All I wanted to do, in the long run, was give them the best life they could have, which was by leaving them with their dad.
I know it's not been easy for any of us. They've had to grow up without a mum & I've had to sit here, really for the past fifteen years, not seeing them grow up & develop into young adults. Not a day goes by that I don't think about them & constantly beat myself up about how things could have been different. Then again I didn't asked to be cursed by this affliction, it's just sad that it has not just affected me.

My husband now, Jamie, is so understanding of the situation, even though he doesn't have children of his own. Both my eldest son & my daughter have accepted Jamie, my daughter even calls him step daddy, even though they've never met. Something that means alot to both of us but especially Jamie. My eldest son just wants to come back to England so he can drink Jamie under the table! Who knows about my other son, it is just a waiting game & no one can predict the outcome. I have to be a bit of a pessimist, then if things turn around it's a bonus. If it doesn't I've not lost out in a way.

The pain of what I have put them through will never go, forgiven or not. I don't feel like I've been a mother & definitely not a mum. Maybe one day this will change. My biggest wish at the moment is for my younger son to give me a chance. I don't expect him to forgive him as such I'd just like it if we could start afresh & we could learn about each others lives.
Who knows what the future holds, I guess we'll just have to watch this space...