Jamie's Relapse

You meet the nicest of people in the strangest of places.

This isn't just about me but also my beloved husband Jamie...

I met Jamie back in 2006 in a psychiatric unit, where we were both patients. He was the most honest person I'd met in a long time. Also someone I felt I could open up to without feeling I was going to be laughed at or ridiculed for how I felt or what I'd been through, in fact we had many things in common. We spent six months getting to know each other before we entered into a physical relationship.
As I said Jamie was a very honest person. He'd not had the easiest of childhoods & at the age of twelve he'd started to use drugs & by the age of fifteen he was an intravenous user of amphetamines & cocaine. By the age of seventeen he'd developed a £100 a day heroin addiction as well. He never stole from anyone, just worked as hard & as much as he could, & for a period of time dealt drugs, to fund his habit.
Speed was actually his drug of choice,something he could take or leave to a degree, but the heroin had a hold of him. He woke every morning craving it, not able to settle til he got his next fix.
He knew he was slowly but surely destroying his body. Accidently overdosing on many occasions. There was one time it was that bad he ended up in a coma for a week. Even after that he carried on taking it, that's how bad the drug had hold of him.
Due to his constant drug abuse it finally took toll on his mental health. He started to have auditory & visual hallucinations. It got to a point where not only was he a danger to himself but possibly also to others.
Eventually he was psychiatrically assess & for his own safety was placed in a medium secure unit where he was able to receive the help he needed, not just to come clean off the drugs but also learn how to live with the mental illness of schizophrenia.
He was at this particular unit for just over four years before he came to the hospital where we met. He was five years clean, happy & had replaced the feeling he'd got from drugs by going to the gym six days a week.

In 2008 we got married, everything seemed perfect, apart from my physical health had deteriorated & I was unable to be as active as I had been.
Jamie was having to spend alot of time doing things on his own. Also from moving a wardrobe had damaged his back which prevented him from going to the gym... his new addiction.
He'd go into town on his own to do shopping etc, & slowly he started to bump into his old drug buddies.
Feeling low, from no longer being able to go to the gym & me struggling to go out, when one of these old friends offered him heroin he couldn't turn the temptation down.
Obviously this wasn't something he wanted to tell me about, but it brought back old feelings & memories along with helping with the pain he was suffering.
He was once again dependant on it, though only smoking it this time.
He thought he could hide it from me, but he started to change in so many ways. I would confront him about it but he would promise me the reason he couldn't keep his eyes open was just cos he was tired. Everyday though he would find an excuse to go out, everytime coming back in some kind of state.
I knew what was happening but there's not alot you can do when someone swears to you everythings ok & they weren't doing anything they shouldn't.

I began to feel I was going slowly mad. I was wanting to believe what I was being told but by trying to convince myself it wasn't drugs my only other conclusion for him needing to go out as he did, was that he was having an affair. To an extent he was... an affair with the drug.
It lasted for around seven weeks, but trust me it was the longest seven weeks of my life.
I didn't want to share any of my fears with my friends, scared it would make it all the more real. I didn't know what to do. As much as I loved him I could feel my mental health slipping.
I wanted to ask him to leave & come back when he'd sorted himself out, but at the same time I didn't want to give up on him. But while he was in denial there was nothing anybody could do.
I woke every morning feeling sick, knowing at some point he would be disappearing for hours at a time. In all honesty I wished I was dead, often thinking of suicide to escape the pain I was feeling. It hurt me to the core to see him like he was, but I knew he would tell me when he felt ready, if he ever did.

Eventually,one Sunday morning, after he'd done a disappearing act, he rang in tears, sobbing that he had something to tell me. I told him it was ok & that I already knew what it was. He asked if I'd help & support him to come off it. Naturally I agreed. I wanted my old Jamie back & would do whatever I could to get it.
It wasn't easy, but with the support from myself & Jamie's social worker, he was able to work through it & get back to where he is today, the kind, caring, lovable Jamie that I first fell in love with.
Sadly though, this had taken a toll on me & I needed a break from reality. It was suggested that I had a period of time in hospital. Time to recharge my batteries & time to make sure that my feelings of suicide had subsided.
Thankfully it was a short admission & as for myself & Jamie, we're back to where we were when we first met. We're able to laugh & cry together, share our thoughts, but most of all be honest with one another.
I would be lost without him, especially now whilst I'm in a slump. But that's what a marriage/partnership is all about, supporting each other through the good & the bad & that's what we do for one another.

If you've got to the end of this, thank you for reading.